Don't Let the Sky Fall Down On Me
by WitchGirl
Summary: When something goes wrong in Don's life, he does the unmentionable. Raphael, blaming himself for the whole thing, nearly throws it all away. Kept alive by Leo, but brought BACK to life by Mikey, Raph realizes there's more to life than his own problems.
1. What Are You Afraid Of

Don't Let the Sky Fall Down On Me

Summery: Sequel to "Sick" and "Judgement Day." (NO NEED TO HAVE READ THEM!) Don slips up. Raph freaks. Mikey's terrified. And Leo's heart gets just a little bit more broken. A family-centric fic.

Author's Note: Because this is longer, I'm going into chapter mode. After "Judgement Day," two people (my only reviewers) asked about what it was exactly _that pushed Don over the edge. Realizing I hadn't addressed it before, I thought now would be a good time to bring it up. As is the pattern with these stories, what seems to be now a trilogy, it's all in Raph's POV, in case you can't tell. So all he knows is what Don tells him. Also, you see a lot more of how Leonardo reacts (again through Raph's eyes). As well, April finally makes an appearance, and Mikey watches Little Shop of Horrors. With cameos by Ren and Stimpy. GOD I hated them as much as Raph did though._

CHALLENGE!!!: Listen, I've been watching the Turtles for YEARS and I STILL can't write Mikey like... well... So this is MY challenge to YOU! I need ideas, tidbits on Mike's thoughts. I love him as much as I love the others, but his character eludes me. I try in this, but you see that I don't delve into his thoughts as much as I do with the others. So in your reviews, give me your thoughts on how Mikey would react in this kind of situation. If you want, you can even write a paragraph and send it to me at . If I like it, I might just add it in the fic (may be edited slightly) (and I'll give you credit, of course ;-)). So PLEASE, I am desperate for your feedback on Mike (as well as the entire story) because I would love to show his side as well, I just don't know how. So GO! Read my story, then add on your own piece!

If you ran to the end of the earth  
I would catch you and you would be safe  
If you fell down the well  
I would bring you a rope and take all of the pain  
All the pain, all the pain  
That you hide from me everyday

Chapter One: What Are You Afraid Of?

The day was dark. Above ground, it was raining, which meant the waters in the sewers were higher than usual.

She arrived coughing and sputtering, and when she threw off her coat, which was drenched completely through, it was all I could do to not laugh.

April O'Neil stood in our livingroom soaking wet, her hair a mass of tangled locks, dripping like sponges onto our floor. But her expression was priceless. Her face screwed up in utter detest, it was obvious she was uncomfortable. Splinter was immediately hy her side with a towel.

"I am sorry you had to make the trip in this weather," he said sincerely. "I wish I could offer you some warm clothes."

"That's OK," said April, sullenly. "I brought some myself." She lifted up a gym bag which looked as though it had been thrown into the river. Splinter laughed.

"I shall dry those clothes for you," he said, insisting on taking her gym bag. As he left, I looked across from me and noticed it was taking all of Mikey's effort to contain his own laughter.

"Not funny," said April, noticing our mute amusement. Instantly, our faces were wiped clean of any hint of a smile, but I looked at Mikey and neither of us could help ourselves. We burst out laughing. April sighed and looked around uncertainly.

"Hey," said Mikey, his laughter disappearing as he realized her intentions. "We just got a new couch, April."

April glared at him menacingly.

"Don't be stupid, Mikey," said Leo as he walked into the room, giving April a warm smile as if she wasn't soaking wet. "April, sit where you want."

"Just put a towel down first," I said and Mikey and I laughed again. Although it seemed Leo agreed, as he had three towels in his arms already and spread them over an armchair. April thanked him and joined us.

"So what made you come down here in this weather anyway?" Leo asked at an attempt at conversation. April looked positively irked.

"Casey is driving me nuts," she said at last. The three of us grinned, knowing all too well how Casey could act as a house guest. "And when I left the house to get away from him, I didn't realize it was raining that hard. But when I did realize that the water was pelting the pavement like bullets, I didn't care. I couldn't stand him for another minute."

"Yeah, we know what you mean," said Mikey with a light chuckle.

We talked for a moment about things that didn't really matter until Splinter returned with April's clothes, which were now dry. Thanking him profusely, she snatched them from his paws with greedy enthusiasm and took off to change, taking some of Leo's towels with her.

Splinter looked at the three of us in some confusion. "Which one of you made Miss O'Neil venture to our lair in this storm?" he asked, accusingly. Collectively, we all shrugged.

"Don?" Mikey suggested. I hit him and he pretended it hurt. Everyone ignored him.

"She came of her own free will," I said. "Or rather, Casey forced her out of her own apartment."

"Ah," said Splinter, nodding in immediate understanding. "Is he not yet allowed to return to his own home?"

"The fumes haven't faded yet," said Leo.

"And I think some of the roaches are regrouping," said Mikey. "I was there yesterday and despite the green smog, I swear there were hundreds of the things crawling all over the place. They're like, super bugs."

"It seems as though we can expect many more visits from Miss O'Neil in the future," said the rat with a wry smile.

"That's what you get for bombing your own place with chemicals," I said, shaking my head. "I _told_ him he shoulda just hired an exterminator."

And speaking of chemicals...

"Where _is_ Donnie anyway?" I asked, looking around at my brothers and Splinter. Neither one had an answer.

However, as April entered, she said, "Hey, is Don OK? I heard him in his room, he sounded–"

"What?" I said, jumping to my feet, my voice tense. I don't know how I knew, but something just didn't feel right... Mikey and Leo were watching me curiously, while Splinter was eyeing me in anxiety.

"What is wrong, my son?" Splinter asked, warily.

"The door was locked," April said with a shrug. "I couldn't–"

And in a flash I was past her, running to my little brother's room with Leo and Mikey right on my tail.

I knocked on Don's door, a courtesy I hadn't observed six months ago when I walked in on him trying to cut his arms with a kitchen knife. "Donatello, you OK in there?"

There was a groan and something was thrown at the door. I closed my eyes, and for a moment, I wished the whole world wasn't watching me at that time. Praying for silence, and that my family would disappear, I leaned in to the door.

"Don," I whispered solemnly. "We talked about this. You made me a promise."

It pained me to think of what Leo and Mikey thought of those words, let alone Splinter.

"Go away!" was Don's reply strained. I looked around at the baffled faces and shrugged.

"Sorry, Sensei," I said to Splinter, before kicking down Donatello's door.

He was on his hands and knees, his room more of a mess than it was the last time I'd entered uninvited. Leo pushed past me and kneeled next to our brother, putting a hand kindly on his shell.

"Don't _touch_ me!" Donnie yelled, yanking away from Leo's touch. He was astonished with Don's coldness. Startled, I could see that our once Fearless Leader... was afraid.

"Get out of the way," I said rather rudely, pushing Leo aside and grabbing Don by the shoulders. I forced him to his knees and made him look me in the eye. "Don, man, Don, tell me, what happened? What did you do, man? Where's the knife? Where's the bottle?"

These words made no sense to the assembled crowd, and that's why I was so vague. I didn't want them to know, just like I knew Don didn't want them to know. Just as I didn't want them to know about my own shameful past. But Don knew exactly what I was talking about and through hazed eyes, he mocked me.

"Knife?" he said with a shaking laugh. "Oh, Raph, you know me better than that!"

I was unsure of what he meant by this, but I knew what this strange stupor must mean, so I returned to my second question.

"Where's the bottle?" I said sternly. Don merely burst into hysterics and his head lolled, but I wouldn't let him do this, not now. I shook him, vigorously, but he kept laughing, his head rolling back and forth with my shaking.

"_Damn_ it, Don, don't _do_ this, where _is_ it???" I demanded.

He grabbed my own shoulders and tried to mimic my serious expression but failed miserably.

"Raphy," he said, the drunken laughter in his voice. "The bottle doesn't matter. It's what's in _here_," he pointed to his head. "Not in _here_," and he pointed to his heart.

An eery sense of twisted Deja Vu overcame me and I let go of his shoulders.

"And," he said with a ridiculous giggle. "What's in _here!_" He pointed to his open mouth and down his throat. I shook my head, devastated and disappointed.

"Oh Donnie..." I said, sadly. "I really hoped you wouldn't do that."

Don laughed even more. "You called me a coward, Raph. I'm proving I'm not a coward."

"_What?_" hissed Leo at last, glaring at me accusingly.

"He doesn't know what he's saying," I explained quickly. "I never said anything like that."

"No, no, no," said Donnie, shaking his head. It must have made him dizzy because he stopped and blinked before he continued. He shook a finger at me. "I distinctly remember you saying that... that living was the coward's way out."

My eyes doubled in size. "Don, _no!_" I declared, snatching his shoulders again immediately. "I didn't say that, I didn't. I said you were the brave one. Remember? On your bed. You're braver than I was, remember? Remember?"

Don gave a slurred scoff and turned to address Leo and the others. "This guy," he said, jolting a thumb at me. "Is afraid of... _the water!_" and he burst in to fits of uncontrollable laughter.

Mikey, Leo, April and Splinter all seemed to cock an eyebrow at me. I ignored it.

"Yes, Don," I said to him. "I am. I'm dead afraid of the water. And I'm dead afraid of losing you to it. Remember?"

Suddenly, Don sobered up, and nodded seriously. "I remember." he said. I smiled. But he burst out laughing again. I got to my feet and stared desperately at April.

"He's sick," I told her, hoping she'd know what to do. "He swallowed some pills and I don't know what he took or where the bottle is."

As if to underline my words, Don started retching. In horrified concern I was at his side again, slamming him on the back of his shell.

"Donatello!" I called. "Don, where are the pills, we can help you!"

Don closed his eyes and tried to collect himself as he pointed to under his desk. Against the wall, an empty bottle was on its side. I snatched it and read the label, even though it made no sense to me. And I knew it would make even less sense to my brothers or April. Even Splinter couldn't guess how these chemicals worked on a mutant turtle. I wished more than anything else in the world at that moment to have my brilliant brother back. My Einstein Donatello.

I was at Don's side again. "Don," I said, shoving the bottle in his face. "These were made for humans."

He knocked the bottle out of my hand.

"Shut up!" he screamed. "Just shut up..." And he started to cry. I couldn't bare it. He was sick, he was _dying_ and I was helpless to stop it. I jumped up and backed away, letting Leo and Splinter swarm in on him. April and Mikey stood by the door, probably feeling more helpless than I was.

More than anything, I knew it was eating at Leo, though. He hated to feel weak more than I did. And he knew he couldn't do anything, but he wouldn't accept it.

Neither would I.

"No..." I whispered, then squeezed my eyes shut. "_No!_" This wouldn't happen again, I wouldn't let it, I wouldn't let it. Still, my arms became itchy and I scratched them absentmindedly.

"I, uh... I gotta go to the bathroom," I said, staring at Don as he vomited on the floor.

I ran for the security of my beloved sink, threw open the medicine cabinet, and tossed aside those God damn medications and toothpaste until I found an old blade. I frowned at it, because it was rusty, but at that moment I didn't care.

Tetanus was better than the thoughts plagued my shadowed mind.

That night, I opened wounds I'd never thought I'd ever see again, and I'm not just talking about the dozens of jail-cell tally marks on my arms. One for each time I let them down. They never knew that I kept score.

Strangely, it hurt more this time than last time, as I slid the razor blade across my green skin. I was slow about it now, allowing the blood to blossom out of the wound like poppies in the spring. By the time I was done, my arms looked like Flanders Fields.

There was a knock on the door. I ignored it and turned off the tap to wash away the fields where the poppies blow.

If only I could just wash it all away... I thought.

I watched as the fallen petals swirled down the whirlpool of the drainpipe and thought of the waterfall merely pipes away in which I had almost thought to drown my sorrows, along with everything else in my life.

The timid knock was back and it broke into my thoughts. I looked around for something to wrap my arms in, but found nothing but toilet paper and a washcloth. The tap was still running.

"Raphael?"

The voice was April's, unless someone had castrated Mikey. I groaned at the inconvenience.

"Sorry, April, it's occupied," I called over my shoulder, vigorously rubbing my arms under the tap to get them to stop bleeding.

"I just wanted to talk to you," she replied. "I can do it through the door if you like."

I sighed with relief and stopped desperately trying to clot my wounds.

I left the tap on.

"You can't hide from this," April said. I sighed and leaned against the door, slinking to the floor.

"No," I said. "But I can run."

"It'll catch up with you."

"I'm a fast runner."

April was quiet a moment.

"You have no idea what's going on, do you?" I asked her. Again, her reply was ignorant silence.

"I wonder if I really want to know the extent of it," she said. "But it seems you do. You can talk to me about it if you want."

"No," I snapped. "I don't."

I could almost hear her biting her lip through the door. "Listen, Raph, I don't know what you were talking to Don about back there, but you acted as if you knew this was going to happen."

"I didn't know," I said, defensively. "I didn't want it to, but I was afraid it would."

"You're afraid of a lot of things, aren't you?" April said. I grimaced. Was I?

"You're wrong," I said. "I'm afraid of the things that are worth being afraid of. Like Don's problem." _And my own,_ I thought bitterly.

"What did you know about this?"

"Very little," I half-lied. "I talked to him once, but only once. I... didn't know about the pills."

"Then how'd you know he'd taken them?"

"When you find someone acting that strange, it's obvious they've taken narcotics," I replied. _It helped that Don had a history,_ I added in my head.

April didn't buy it. "You don't have to tell me everything," she said. "I just want to know... how deep are his wounds?"

Probably as deep as mine. "I don't know."

"Don't you?" April said.

"Just let me be, April."

"They've laid him down in his bed," said April. "He's unconscious."

I shivered. "He threw up most of it, didn't he?" I asked, more of a desperate hope than anything else.

"I don't know how much he took to begin with," said April.

I don't know what she wanted me to say. I didn't know what I would say, if she asked the right questions.

"Do you know when it started?"

"No."

She was still asking the wrong questions. She sighed, deeply and audibly through the door.

"What did he mean when he said you were afraid of water?"

Damn. She picked a winner.

"Not water," I said. "I'm not afraid of water." I was afraid of _the_ water.

"Was it some sort of twisted metaphor Donatello came up with?" April asked, using all her reporter skills to decipher the story. It bugged me.

"Might have been, I didn't get it," I replied.

"I think," April said, "you're afraid of something more than Don's situation. And Don knows, but you won't admit it to anyone else."

Damn her and her intuitive reporter skills.

"Sorry, Miss O'Neil, that answer is wrong. You lose a hundred points."

"And you might lose your brother if you don't start being straight with me," said April. I paused as the thought of Don's cold body stabbed at my mind like the kitchen knife I'd caught in his hands, six months ago.

"That is not your threat to issue," I whispered.

I heard her kneel down and press herself to the door and felt her breath brush by my ear as she whispered through the crack in the side.

"What are you afraid of, Raphael? What goes bump in your nights?"

Her voice was barely audible and it was almost as if she were whispering right in my ear.

And with that, I heard her rise and leave.

I shivered as I realized I was alone.

Submerging from my tiled tomb, I slipped into my room and donned my old armbands, abandoned for nearly two years now. Silently, I slipped out and away into Don's room.

I was not surprised to see that the only company I had in the room other than drug addict himself was our very own Fearless Leader.

He was clutching his hand as though if he let it go, he'd lose Donatello forever.

"So, uh, what's the verdict?" I asked.

"You're guilty," said Leo, not turning to look at me.

"That's not what I..."

"For the murder of your brother," Leo finished.

In any other situation, this would have infuriated me. But perhaps because I lost some blood tonight, there wasn't enough inside me to boil over. Or perhaps it was because we were in Donatello's room, and fighting with Leo in his room would be like fighting in a cathedral. Sacrilege.

"I didn't kill him, Leo," I said, evenly.

"Maybe not," said Leo quietly. "But you sure as hell killed me."

I was surprised by the statement and stopped in my tracks on my journey to Don's bed to sit beside my older brother. I stared at the back of his head, and vividly counted all the stray threads that needed to be trimmed on the tails of his blue headband.

"What weapon did I use?" I asked, curiously.

"Words," Leo said. "Indifference. Spite. Avoidance. You used a number of things."

"Each forced the dagger deeper..." I muttered, knowing very well that I probably did kill him.

"And tonight, you twisted it in the wound," Leo muttered.

This surprised me. I was only glad that he refused to turn and look at my face. But at the same time, I wondered what deep emotion lay in his eyes, and if I dared venture a look.

"I used to like to think I knew everything about Donatello," said Leo, rubbing Don's limp arm with care. Finally, he turned to face me in his chair. "But tonight, he didn't want to talk to me. No, he'd rather talk to you. You. Of all people. Raphael."

I looked down as I realized his pride had been wounded. And his heart had been bruised. This truly _was_ my doing.

"You knew about him too," I said, suddenly remembering. "I saw it in your eyes six months ago."

"I was scared," Leo said. "You had the guts to do what I'd never wanted to. I... don't like confrontation, as much as I may seem to in my little squabbles with you."

"_Little squabbles???_" I said with a laugh. Leo gave a small chuckle himself, but it was a weak one. Hollow and dead. Like his heart.

"I didn't want to face the problem," said Leo. "I didn't want to say the wrong thing or... or even admit that there was something wrong. You're a lot braver than I am."

I thought of the water and the words I'd told Don six months ago. _Suicide is the coward's way out..._

"No," I told Leo. "I'm not."

Leo looked up me with an inscrutable expression. "I guess we're all afraid of something."

I sighed and pulled up Don's swivel chair by his computer and took a seat next to Leo. We both stared at Don.

"I wonder what Don's afraid of," I said.

To be continued...

(With proper motivation...)

GO! Give me Mikey ideas. WRITE Mikey ideas. I implore you.


	2. Forsaken

**_Responses to reviews and thank yous:_** I wrote this because I was wondering if I could and if it would work (in response to mary sue and ashamed of it). I sat down and typed and one thing led to another and I wrote it and it worked so I posted it. As to Lisa15, thank you ever so much for your support and details on Mikey. It'll come in handy. You'll see a little bit more of Mike in this chapter. It's all I could write of his reaction before your helpful hints (and I mean to all of you who gave info on Mikey to me). I'm also thanking Raphangela for her fic "SILENCE" which ALSO gave me an inside look at Mikey's mind. To Lioness-Goddess, LenniluvsBrian, Levionne of Spirit, and whoever else, the below summary of the first two stories below is for you.

Hope I've cleared up your questions, and thanks everyone for the feedback. I love it, keep it up!

****

Summary of first two fics: I thought one could read this WITHOUT having to have read the other two, but it seems I was wrong by all the confusion. I'm making plenty of references to my previous stories, "Sick" and "Judgement Day." If you're too lazy to go read them, here's the lowdown:

In "Judgement Day," Raph talks about his cutting and depression and how no one can save him from himself. After a huge fight with Leo, in which he attacks him and declares that he hates him, he runs for "the water," in his words, which means he's going to drown himself. Stopped by none other than Donnie, who only followed because he thought Raph was trying to run away (not kill himself), he unknowingly talks Raph out of killing himself. Continued in "Sick," a year later, Raph notices the same signs in Don that he'd himself once displayed and talks to the lad, who blames it on chemicals altering his brain, but nothing tangible. Don tries to cut his wrists, but can't because he's too afraid (that's what the knife reference was about in chapter one). Instead, he drowns his sorrows in antidepressants Raph disapproves of, but informs his older brother that they are "safe drugs" and that he was too much of a coward to OD. Raph in turn informs him that living's the brave thing to do, and that suicide is "the coward's way out." (Plenty of references to this). Raph repays his favor to Don by being there for him and is reassured by Don's positive response.

However, his doubts, fear, and pain come rushing back when he learns he had misjudged Don's happiness and almost lost him forever... such is continued in this story.

I've never felt so bad in my entire life  
But this time I did it to myself  
What do you expect from me?  
I did it   
So what do you expect from me?  
Let go of my hand  
Is it time to go?  
I'm not ready to turn my back on you yet  
I'm not going to let you down.

Chapter Two: Forsaken

I left the broken-hearted Leonardo with his brother in his room and heard the familiar mantra I despised so much from the living room.

"_Stimpy, you IDIOT!_"

I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst. As I suspected, Mikey was watching Ren and Stimpy on the big screen. Again, my nightmares came flooding back to me, but it made me smile. I took a seat next to Michelangelo.

"We have to watch this?"

"It's either this or Pinky and the Brain," Mikey said to me, his eyes glued to the screen.

Sighing, I took a seat on the couch next to him. I wondered how he felt about all of this, how this impacted _him_.

"You know, man," he said to me. "I used to think that... that we could _fight _our worst enemies... Like, you know, Shredder or something. I used to think that the worst thing that ever happened to us would be some evil villain, and that we could overcome it. With difficulty, sure, but we'd do it together and..." Michelangelo exhaled a deep sigh. "At least I'd know what to do..."

I stared at the coffee table. "It sucks to sit here and feel like there's nothing we can do..." I said, choking back a desire to run for the water. "But sometimes, our worst battles are fought internally... and no one from the outside can lend a hand. I... I guess that's how Donnie felt."

Michelangelo looked at me with pleading eyes. "But Raph... _why_? Why did he feel like he had to go through it alone? Why did he feel like he couldn't tell us? I coulda helped him, we... _we_ coulda understood him... Splinter's always saying we're better as a team than alone. That includes whatever's going on in Don. He could have... he could have _won_ if he'd just let us help."

I didn't have the heart to face him. "Sometimes, there are some horrors too dark to face on our own, let alone to show someone else," I said. "I don't know what horrors he's keeping inside..."

Suddenly, Mikey's face lit up.

"_That's_ what I was looking for!" he said, jumping to his feet and running to our collection of DVDs. I looked at him skeptically as he pulled something out and showed it to me with a goofy grin.

"Eh? Eh?" he said, awaiting my approval. It was Little Shop of Horrors. I had to laugh at the way he could so easily slip from a serious discussion into that wacky mood of his without missing a beat. Sometimes, I wish I could do that.

I waved a hand at him. "Oh what the hell," I said. "It's better than Ren and Stimpy."

She must have heard the cartoon stop, because as soon as it did, April poked her head out of the kitchen with a gleeful grin. "What, no more Ren and Stimpy?" she said. She then promptly put on a disappointed frown when Mikey looked at her. "Aw, and I was so enjoying the clamor from the TV!"

"Don't worry," said Mikey eagerly. "We're putting on Little Shop of Horrors!"

April looked interested. "Are you serious? I love that movie!" She pushed Mikey and I aside and sat comfortably between us on the couch.

Eventually, Leo emerged from Donatello's room to join us in watching the film. Splinter was now in with Don instead to look after him and see if he woke up. I still didn't know what was wrong, if he was in a coma, or what, because no one would tell me. I didn't even dare talk to Splinter. I was afraid of his words.

As the plant in the movie sang "Feed me, Seymour!" I looked to April. She was enjoying herself watching the film. I figured she knew what was wrong with Don. But she wouldn't tell me without asking me what _I_ knew.

Which, I realized, was not very much at all. I knew Don was clinically depressed. I didn't know if it was chronic or manic. I barely knew the difference from the two. I didn't know why. He blamed it on the chemicals, but it was more than that. You don't try to kill yourself over nothing. I didn't know anything beyond the facts that he'd never cut his arms because he couldn't stand it, and that he loved his pills. God damn medication. I told him he needed a prescription, but he only replied that he'd prescribed them himself. He thought he could do that.

All at once, I wondered how he'd been able to get the pills. No pharmacy would sell without a signed prescription.

My heart froze as I remembered seeing that shady looking friend Don talked to a lot above ground. What had he called him? _Danny_. Danny and Donnie. What a pair.

Instantly, I was on my feet and grabbed a trench coat.

"Where you going?" Mikey asked, tossing some popcorn in his mouth.

"Out," I replied as I left.

It didn't take me long. I found him lurking down an alley a few streets over from the warehouse.

"Hey, you Danny?" I sneered, grabbing the guy by his black overcoat. He looked at me as if I were insane.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm Danny, what do you want?"

"What do you got that'll make me feel... happier?" I asked, slowly. Danny grinned.

"A new customer," he said as I put him down. "I love that."

"I'm sure you do," I said.

"Hey, uh, you know Donnie?" Danny asked, scrutinizing me with rodent-like eyes. "I mean, yeh sorta look like 'im and all."

"I don't like to be asked questions."

"I hear yeh, neither do I," said Danny, nodding in understanding as he fumbled with a briefcase. "That's what makes me get on so well with my clients."

"Uh huh," I said, not really caring. "What would you give a guy who's really depressed and need a lift."

"You want a high, I got your ecstacy, heroin, your general amphetamines and happy drugs..." he said, rifling through his case.

"This Donnie you mentioned," I said. "What does he normally get?"

Danny looked up at me as realization dawned on him. He nodded with a grin, but said nothing. "Right, right, you want the meds, I gotchya..." he said, turning back to his case and lifting up one level of illegal drugs to reveal the next. He handed me a pill bottle that almost looked legitimate enough to be on pharmacy store shelves. He leaned in close to me.

"This stuff," he said. "Makes you feel like the world's sunshine and roses, even if it ain't."

"Everything's fucking hilarious with this, eh?" I said, dryly.

"Yeah, yeah," said Danny with a vigorous nod.

"Legal?" I questioned, with a raise of the eyebrow.

"Not exactly," said Danny with a devilish grin. "Only in Mexico and a few other South American countries. This was made in Calcutta with all sorts a great stuff, man. It's like those antidepressants and all that other junk all together. It's fucking amazing..."

"Uh huh..." I said, looking at the bottle more closely and realizing that it looked a lot like the bottle in Don's room.

When I looked up again, Danny was holding out his hand expectantly.

"Dude, pay up," he said. I frowned at him.

"I don't like paying for things if I don't know if they work," I said coldly. He shrugged.

"Then take a hit right now, I'm telling yeh!" Danny said. "Just gimme two hundred bucks."

"Two hundred bucks for one bottle of shit pills!" I screamed, outraged. "That's ridiculous."

Danny nodded, submissively, noting my big size, no doubt. "All right, all right, since yeh seem to know Don, I'll make the same deal with you as I did with him, all right? Fifty bucks."

I studied him for a moment, then gave him a twenty. He was too busy watching me to check, and it was too dark for him to see it anyway.

"Listen, man, I gotta jet. If you wanna find me again, ask Don," said Danny, watching me warily as if I would kill him at any moment. And I might have.

"Right," I grumbled, and went on my own way.

I returned to the sewers in utter despair. Don had taken _these_? Illegal, unsafe, unhealthy drugs? Our Donatello, our very own ne'er-do-bad Donatello? Nah, it couldn't be...

I looked at the pills in my hand and opened it, popping one onto my palm. It was a normal-enough looking capsule, red and yellow, almost like those minor pain relievers. Still, I couldn't believe Don would put this in his system. What set it off this time? What the hell happened to make him...?

The movie was still going when I entered. Ignoring Leo, Mikey and April, I turned down the hall and made my way absentmindedly to Don's room to ask him what the hell he was thinking. It was only when I opened the door that I remembered– he was unconscious, half-dead, and Splinter was in there with him. He occupied the same chair Leo had been in, and thus his back was to me.

I froze, but I knew the rat had sensed me.

"What troubles you, Raphael?" It may have been my imagination, but I swear there was just a hint of irritation in his voice. I looked at the bottle, than up at the back of Splinter's furry head.

"Uh... I found..." I hesitated. "I found the guy Don got his pills from. Some druggie scum that lurks in alleys with his briefcase of narcotics."

"I do not believe it..." Splinter whispered. He turned to me, but his eyes were clouded and undecipherable. "Why did you not inform me of this danger sooner?"

"There was no danger!" I cried in my defense. "I swear, I thought he was fine after I talked to him."

"Most often, these things cannot be healed with a simple conversation."

Bitterly, I thought of how happy and relieved Don actually seemed after our talk and wondered what could have gone and made him do this. Worst of all, unlike last time, I hadn't noticed the signs at all.

"Sometimes they can be," I replied stubbornly, remembering Don's heart-felt words to me in the sewers on my own death-day.

"Bandages merely cover wounds, but they must be removed," said Splinter, eyeing Don worriedly.

I looked down at my wrists and realized he was right. "You gotta point there."

We were quiet a moment.

"Was this your doing?" Splinter asked at last, doing well at keeping emotion from his voice. It was as though he'd just tripped me with his walking stick.

"What?" I asked, unable to keep the offense from my voice. He looked at me, almost accusingly.

"Was this your doing?" he repeated calmly. I looked at him in disbelief. What could I say to him?

"I..."

"Go, Raphael," he said at last with a resigned sigh. He waved at me, dismissing me from his thoughts. "Go join your brothers watching the film."

I left Don's room feeling like I'd just been rightfully scolded, with my head hanging low. _Was_ this my fault? Is that _really_ what Splinter thought?

Don's as good as dead, I thought to myself. _He let me down. The bastard finally let me down. And he said he'd never let me down._

We had a deal. At least in my head, we did. I wouldn't do anything to myself, as long as Don was OK. As long as he didn't do anything stupid, neither would I. I thought it was the perfect safety net. Don broke that deal.

So what was left for me?

I paused before rejoining my brothers in the living room. I looked towards the door and the old longing returned full force. It was as strong as it had been the day I attacked Leo. But there was a new factor in here... What would they think?

How would they be able to deal with one brother dead and another dying? Would they think me a coward? Would they think I was weak?

Suicide's the coward's way out...

Was I a coward?

But then, I thought, it wouldn't matter. I'd be dead. Who cares what happens after that? I wouldn't have to do this anymore, worrying about them, never talking, always hiding. I wouldn't feel so lonely. I wouldn't let them down. I wouldn't hurt them anymore.

I looked at my armbands. No one had even mentioned that I was wearing them again. I was furious. Tearing them off, I threw them on the couch on my way out. I think I startled Mikey, but I didn't care.

I stormed out of the lair and into the rain-filled sewers, searching for something, anything, the source of the swirling death trap I wanted to step into.

I came to the pipe's edge and looked down into the churning waters below, as wild as the ocean. I was almost being pulled into it already by the torrents of water rushing down over the pipe's edge, creating the hugest waterfall I'd ever seen. I looked up at the crisscross of ladders, catwalks and pipelines that seemed to go up into oblivion. I then looked down, into the depths of Hell itself.

I closed my eyes and leaned forward...


	3. The Devil's Savior

_**Author's Note**: Hey, this chapter's a little short, but it was rather climactic so it works. The next chapter's my big Mikey chapter. I will thank all my Mikey influences together in that. I hope I did well in writing that one. This is a very Raph-centric chapter, and the main part where a huge inner change in him occurs. Please review. I'll try and get up the next chapter according to demand. That's always how the economy works, isn't it?_

Chapter Three: The Devil's Savior

"Raphael!" The voice was not Donnie's, so I didn't care. "Raph, _stop_!"

No. No. It didn't matter. _Stop it!_

I swan dove into the water below and was enveloped by its fury.

"_Raphael!!!_" It was a desperate plea for mercy that I refused to heed. I didn't fight the water. I let it tear me to shreds as it saw fit. I felt my arms start to bleed again. I wouldn't open my eyes. I went under...

There was a splash. Something large fell in almost right on top of me. But it didn't matter. I was being consumed by the beast that had haunted me for nearly two years. I was letting it take me, I was giving in to the desire. Slowly, I let out whatever breath I'd been holding and opened my mouth, welcoming the darkness with open arms.

Peace... cold... blood... dark... ... ... Peace... ... ...

What???

Something was grabbing me. It wouldn't let me sink.

No!

Kicking. I could feel bubbles swirling up around me, fighting to get to the surface. More splashing. It hurt like hell. It was holding my arms, my bloodied arms. The scabs were peeling, mostly because of the ruthless water. It didn't help the fact that these huge green tentacles were wrapped around my arms, squeezing the life out of them. I was tangled in this monster's grip; it wouldn't let me go.

Stop it!

I kicked and screamed under the water, but quickly lost the energy. Everything was so cold... I could feel myself quaking. All I had to do was take one deep breath...

But my body was fighting it. It wouldn't breathe. It wouldn't let the water fill my lungs. This savage, furious oceanic beast wanted to devour me, but this sea monster with ugly tentacles wouldn't let it. _Let the beast have its meal! Let me die in peace!_ I begged, but God wouldn't hear me any more than this slimy green monster. Who was this creature to take me away from my destiny? What right did it have to save my life when it wasn't worth saving?

The tears spilled out of my eyes but it wasn't evident for the shifting waves in the whirlpool took them away.

A long time seemed to pass. How was I still alive and conscious? Was this a dream? When would this monster let me go...

Everything was spinning. I couldn't tell if the monster was pulling me up to the surface or down into a watery grave. I hoped it was the latter, but I couldn't be sure.

I knew Don always wondered if there were other mutants like us in the sewers; other bottom dwellers, creatures that were affected by the ooze... Who'd have thought we'd have our own Loch Ness Monster?

Don. _Oh Donatello!_ Why the hell did he take those pills?

****

Why the hell did you jump? someone asked me.

I had to, I replied. _I had no choice._

You always have a choice, the voice said. **_You know that. You're still in control._**

No... No, Don's dead. I couldn't bare it.

****

Don isn't dead yet. You could save him. What will he say when he wakes up and you're not there?

He won't wake up...

You're a stupid bastard who thinks he knows everything, the voice snapped angrily. **_He opened your eyes once and made you realize that you have family! Why can't you see that you have so much going for you? Even without Donatello, you got Mikey and Leo, and they always have your back. And you have Splinter, he loves you._**

Splinter hates me. He thinks I killed Don. So does Leo. I killed him too. I'd kill them all, if I could.

Splinter loves you. _He's just scared. Like everyone else. He wants to find someone, anyone to blame, anyone but himself. That's what he's really thinking. You always said you wanted to know what he was thinking. Well now you do. He's not perfect._

He doesn't have to be perfect. _He just has to be Splinter..._

There are people out there who are so much worse off than you! _You don't see them jumping off waterfalls._

That's different! _Everyone handles things their own way..._

I always knew you were a coward...

Soon, the voice faded away and all I knew was blackness.

* * *

Everything was dark. I was reeling. Was I dead? I could only hope. Praying, I opened my eyes.

Bright, harsh light. It burned me. My pupils shrank as small as possible. Something green appeared in my blurry vision, and then it was all I could see. There was only one answer. I must be under the water still, looking up at the surface. I lay at the bottom of the ocean in my watery grave, staring serenely at the sunlight, ten times brighter than normal. That was because its rays were refracted and seemed more intense. That's what Don would say.

Oh Donatello!

But that didn't matter anymore. I was dead. It explained everything. That's why everything was blurry; I was seeing things through watery lenses. Something blue swam into view. What could it be, the sky? The sky... It must. Yes, the blue sky above the water. At last... My peace.

Yes! Yes!

... What???

What was happening? Something was taking shape before my eyes, the blue... it wasn't the sky at all...

No! No!

I wasn't in heaven. Hell. This was Hell. No, no, get me out of here, take me back!!!

I squinted one eye to make out the figure more clearly, the monster which had taken me from my doom.

"...Leo?" I said, my voice barely a scratch. My throat was raw and dry. It felt like it was on fire. I needed water...

The water...

There, above me, in all his self-righteous glory, Leonardo stared down at me in front of a backdrop of blackness. His face was solemn and his eyes were cold gravestones of my former life.

I saw him pull back his hand as if in slow motion. It was all a blur. I felt the sharp pain in my cheek before I saw him slap me.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, rubbing my sore cheek. "What the hell was that for?"

"You fucking idiot!" he said, furiously. I rarely ever heard Leo swear. It's not like he never did, it was just that, unlike me, who spits them out left and right, Leo saves them for where they're really appropriate. Which meant he was really pissed off. "Do you have any idea what you just did?" It was strange watching Leo talk. His lips didn't seem to fit the words he was saying, and his mouth kept moving after his words were finished. It was like watching a foreign film that had been badly dubbed. The words weren't in sync with everything else.

As I tried my best to focus on Leo, I became aware of a throbbing pain in my skull, as if my brain was pulsing, getting ready to explode. I groaned. Leo's cold look merely hardened into a 'you deserve it' look.

"Don't you think you're being a little hard on me?" I said sluggishly, hoping he'd warm up. But he was unsympathetic.

"I don't think I'm being hard on you at all," he replied, chillingly. This scared me. I closed my eyes shut tight and waited for his wrath. But it never came. Opening one eye tentatively, I saw him holding out his hand to help me up. It was then and only then that I realized that I _wasn't _at the bottom of the ocean after all. I was laying on the filthy floor of a flooded sewer, soaked to the bone. I was still half-way in the water.

The funny thing is, I couldn't feel the cold anymore at all. Well, excluding the frozen attitude radiating from Leo like a pending hail storm. _That _chilled me to the bone.

"Get up," Leo ordered coldly, almost cruelly. Slowly, I held up my weak arm and he snatched it and pulled me up angrily, nearly yanking my arm out of its socket.

"Hey, watch it!" I said, rubbing my shoulder blade and making sure it wasn't dislocated. But again, he was uncompassionate. He looked at me a moment icily before turning and heading down the dark sewer.

Glancing at me over his shoulder, he said, "Aren't you coming?" It wasn't a question. It was a merciless growl that didn't care for an answer. I was coming. I didn't even think to retort. I'd never seen Leonardo so mad before.

Slowly, hesitantly, I followed my older brother through the maze of sewers. I didn't even care where we were going.

We walked in silence. Well, he walked, I limped. I was too weak. And my head was killing me. Worst of all, I couldn't even feel my arms. I looked down and noticed they were a sickly pale green. I frowned as I looked at the dry blood the still clung desperately to the remnants of the scabs. No wonder I was feeling so dizzy...

After what seemed like hours of trudging around the dank sewers, I was ready to drop. But Leo had led me to the lair. Before we entered, he turned to me. His face wore an expression like that of my worst enemy. It was cold and dark, serious and deadly. It scared the hell out of me.

"Fold your arms," he said. I was confused at the peculiar order, but did so without question. Even _I_ didn't dare test Leonardo's patience in this situation.

"Hey," he muttered, trying to sound emotionless to April and Mikey on the couch, who were now watching some late night movie on cable. I didn't pay too much attention to what it was.

"Hey..." Mikey muttered with a yawn. April said nothing at all. She must have fallen asleep on the couch.

We didn't stay long.

As soon as he had greeted them and received a welcome, Leo quickly swept me down the hall, like a teacher leading an unruly student to detention.

We ended in his room and as soon as I closed the door behind me, he was on me like a tiger on its prey.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he roared. I backed up against the door. He put one hand angrily on either side of me, as if he thought I'd try and escape. "It's one thing to go and try and kill yourself, it's another to do it when we need you the most!"

"I wasn't thinking about you," I said truthfully, regaining my old courage when it came to Leo. "I couldn't stand it anymore, alright???"

"And I can?" Leo said, sounding desperate and out of breath. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and seemed to calm down. His arms dropped to his sides, an expression of resignation.

Guilt overwhelmed me. The usual after effects that come with one of my suicide considerations or attempts. I always hoped I'd be dead before I'd have to feel guilty. But somehow, it never came out that way.

Leo sat on his bed and refused to look at me, staring at the wall.

"I saw your wrists," he said, evenly. I glanced down at my arms, half-heartedly.

"Ah," I said, understanding now why he'd told me to fold my arms in front of Mikey and April.

"I always wondered why you wore those stupid looking things..." Leo said, in obvious reference to my red armbands. I noticed they were lying beside him on his bed. Turned inside out, the dry blood was evident. "And why Mikey ever looked up to you."

"Mikey doesn't look up to me..." I said quietly. I approached his bed to pick up my armbands and, ashamed, I put them on to cover my wounds. Leo looked at me, seemingly condescending.

"You really don't get it, do you?" he said. "You're totally blind to anything outside of your own life. Why are you so self-centered?"

Self-centered?

"Me?" I cried, becoming angry. "What about you?"

Leo looked down, looking more defeated than ever, and I immediately regretted my words. He looked so small... sitting on that bed alone... I frowned in confusion as I understood, for the first time in my life, what Leonardo must be going through.

"Wow..." I said, as realization dawned. I fell on his bed beside him. "Oh, Leo, man, I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"Everyday..." Leo muttered. "All I think about..."

"... is us..." I said in understanding. For the first time ever, in all the years I grew up beside him, I realized that Leonardo wasn't self-centered in the least bit. He barely thought about himself. Ever.

"Oh God..." The weight of Leo's responsibility as the eldest hit me full force and I felt the burden as if it were my own. Were anything to happen to any of one of us, he would take it worst of all. Worse than me, worse than Splinter...

And yet, here he was, keeping a cool head when Donatello was right in the next room, comatose and cold. I marveled at his strength, and once again I was blown away by all he hid.

"So..." I said after a long silence. "Does it take a lot of meditation to keep all that locked away?"

Leo gave a short chuckle. "You wouldn't believe..." was his only reply.

I was silent with shock. All these years, I'd treated him like the pompous ass I thought he was. When really, it was he who thought I was being arrogant. And I suppose I was. He was just trying to keep me in line...

And yet, that thought still bothered me. Like I told Don once, if I ever understood Leo, I'd go really insane. And it was starting. The war inside me between my consideration of the eldest turtle and my stubborn self had begun at last.

"Why do you think you have to protect us?" I asked finally. "We don't need you protection."

"Oh yeah?" Leo said with a mock raise of his eye ridges. He looked at my arms and I hid them from his view.

"I don't mean..." I started.

"I get it," said Leo, nodding in understanding. In bafflement, I realized that he really did. I was silent. This situation had never befallen me before. Whenever Leo tried to understand me, I always thought that, like his own persona, mine was too difficult for him to ever understand. But he did, he really did, and I didn't know what to do. My whole entire world was turned upside down. I blamed it on my near-death experience. Which reminded me...

"You know, Leo... I'm... glad... you came after me... you know?" I said, stumbling over my words. Leo looked up at me and smiled, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Always," he said. I looked down at my arms and he followed my gaze. His smile disappeared.

"Listen, old habits die hard, alright?" I snapped in my defense. Then I realized, Leo wasn't accusing me of anything.

He sighed. "How long?"

"It started nearly four years ago," I said. "Sporadic and unhealthy, I continued for nearly two years until Don unknowingly talked me out of it... I only did it when I was really stressed. And then it all came to a breaking point, and then the fight with you..."

I told him everything. Every little thing from my previous suicide attempt to my little chat with Don two years prior. Leo was a good listener, saying nothing at all as I told my story, nodding at parts, and always looking solemn.

"My... _God_ Raph!" Leo sighed at last. "What is it with you and Don? Why do you feel like these are things you have to hide from us?"

My old anger flared. "You wouldn't understand," I said, somehow offended by his words. "You've never... felt like that. Don and I, we have an understanding. _That's _why he trusted me. _That's_ why we confided only in each other. We knew the other had... had been there too. At least, that's why Don trusted me. I trusted him because... he seemed to know without knowing. He seemed to know every nook and cranny of where I was without ever having been there. It's like when someone describes a photograph perfectly without ever seeing it or its subject. It's mysterious, and eerie, and yet it's the most comforting thing I'd come across in a long time. Don... he seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear, what I needed him to do. Even when he didn't know my _true _intentions when I ran out on you two years ago, he seemed to feel something was horribly and grotesquely... wrong. He said as much that day. And though he spoke to me like I was merely running away to a new life, it sounded... He was saying 'Don't do it, Raph. Don't jump.' Not in those words, but... Somehow, Don always had a way of clearing away the debris of my heart and touching something at its core to revitalize it again and give it life. He was my light at the end of the tunnel. I made a deal with myself. But now, that light's gone out and I'm alone..."

Leonardo looked at me for a long time, his eyes deep and searching.

"Maybe you can't see the light," said Leo, "because you're already out of the tunnel."

I looked at him curiously in response.

"Look around you, Raph," he said with a reassuring smile. "Your whole world is full of light."

Leo's words didn't have the same effect on me as Don's mere presence. Don had a way of chasing away the clouds with a simple, sincere look and a warm touch. Leo... was poetic, I'll give him that. And strangely, on some sub level of my soul, he reached me and kindled a dying flame.

I remembered that fire vividly. Previously extinguished, it had been relit by none other than Donatello. And now, it was dying with him. But Leonardo wouldn't let it.

"Don's not dying," my older brother said, as if reading my thoughts.

"You sound so sure..." I said, staring at my knees.

I looked up at him and noted he was staring straight ahead of him, that same fierce determination I saw in his eyes when he was on the verge of a huge battle.

"You'll see. Donatello _will_ make it out of this. And soon, he'll play us all the fools."


	4. Still Soul Searching

**_Author's Note:_** For those of you wondering, this story WILL finish when Don either wakes up... Or dies trying. I know you guys like to be warned of character death and all, but I find it ruins the story. I'm not saying he won't wake up, I'm not saying he will. You'll just have to stay tuned, like his brothers. THIS chapter is longer, making up for the previous and following shorter chapters. This chapter is also MIKEY at last. I have many people to thank for helping me think Mikey's character out. First of all, Jo Dawn for her very helpful looks into Mikey's mind (I review the appropriate stories thanking you further there, I'm sure you know). I urge anyone who's a Mike fan to read her stuff. VERY well done. Also, Lisa15 for her orriginal long review giving me Mikey thoughts. And again, Raphangela, for "SILENCE." Also, plenty other reviewers made helpful Mikey coments (I can't liste you all, sorry!). There were a few other stories I read that I don't remember now (ARK!) When I do, I'll mention it next chapter. Oh, one was "A Brother's Bond" by SuperKat (though I have yet to review-- I'll get to it.)

Hope some questions were answered. Sorry, I can't help you with Don. But if I told you, it wouldn't be fair, what with Raph, Leo, Mikey, Splinter and April not knowing and all... You'll have to find out with them.

Cheers, and keep the reviews coming!

Chapter Four: Still Soul-Searching

I left Leo's room late that night, feeling somehow like an old toy that had been repaired. I wasn't shiny new, but I wasn't broken anymore. Knowing Leo was suffering as I was, I knew I could handle my pain as good as he could. After all, anything Leo can do, everyone knows I can do better.

"You'll see. Donatello will _make it out of this. And soon, he'll play us all the fools."_

Leo's words did strike me as somewhat odd, to say the least, by I dismissed them, thinking that it's merely Leo, who always seems to talk in riddles when he gets in that frame of mind. Sometimes, merely gibberish, and others, they made sense later on in the game.

Strangely, I found myself hoping this was one of those things that I'd understand later. For some reason, thinking of Leo as a blabbering idiot in this instant gave me an eerie sensation of disquiet.

But the best after-effect of this whole experience was that I no longer had the urge to run for the water. And I hoped I never did again. That was such a lonely and desolate feeling... I never wanted to feel that way again.

I entered the living room to find lights and sounds bouncing off the walls. The TV was still on. April was curled up on one end of the couch, her head on the armrest. Michelangelo lay, sprawled and snoring, on the other end of the couch, his foot somehow lodged in the crook of April's knees. His other foot was on the floor, while his arms were outstretched, one draped over the back of the couch, and the other drooping over the front. I would have laughed at the sight, had I not wanted to wake the two of them. Despite his sleeping habits, Mikey was a light sleeper. It was this fact that made his loud snoring rather ironic. You'd think he'd wake himself up with that.

But April didn't seem to mind in the least. I snatched a blanket off of the nearest armchair and gently draped it over her sleeping form. She was smiling contentedly in her sleep and snatched at the blanket as she felt it laid on her. Obviously, she was dreaming good dreams.

Probably of having her apartment to herself again, I thought with a weak smile.

I found it great that the events of the day hadn't caused Mikey and April nightmares. I knew it would have that effect on Leo, Splinter and I, and dreaded the thought of sleep. Leo would be sluggish tomorrow, and grumpy, which meant I should stay out of his way a while. Splinter would probably be taking some mid morning, afternoon, and evening naps. More than usual. I wondered if he could use mediation as an excuse.

And me? I planned to sleep the day away tomorrow. I didn't want to face it. It would be worse than the nightmares. So that gave me reason not to sleep now, when the house was at rest and I could observe its inhabitants in peace.

Gingerly, I lifted the remote from Mikey's limp fingers and turned off the TV, which was now going on about some infomercial for car wax.

He stirred instantly.

"Mmmm...." Mikey said as he stretched, his eyes squeezed shut. He looked up at me, bleary eyed and peaceful.

"Hi..." he said with a serene smile. I tried to return it, but my lips betrayed me.

"You wanna surrender the couch to April before she realizes you've invaded?" I asked, motioning at the sleeping form at the end.

"Nyah nyah..." he sighed with a yawn. I looked at him skeptically.

"And in English that means?"

"In English," he said, looking at me pointedly. "It means I'm dreaming. So go away."

He threw one arm over the armrest and rested his head on it, closing his eyes again. He turned over and tried laying the other way. After a few more changes of position, he finally gave up and sat up on the couch with a pout.

"Raph, April's takin' up too much space, tell her to move!" he whined like a child. I had to smile. I looked at April's tiny form at the end of the couch, curled like a cat and probably taking up about as much space as one, then back to Mikey, who had kicked off the pillows and armrest coverings that now littered the floor. It looked as though a child's fort had been destroyed.

"Yeah, Mikey, sure thing," I said with a mocking chuckle. He was too fatigued to catch it.

"Dude, what _time_ is it?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Early."

"How early?"

"Like, two." I really didn't know. I'd stayed in Leo's room for so long.

Another yawn. "How's Donnie?"

"Dunno," I replied. "I haven't checked on him in a while."

"You should," said Mikey, looking at me with that look a mother gives when she's trying to get her kid to walk the dog.

"I will," I told him, reassuringly.

"No, now," Mikey said, strangely adamant. I frowned.

"He'll still be there later," I said. Mikey pouted again.

"I don't think he's OK, man," he said at last.

"No shit," I replied.

"No," Mikey said, shaking his head. "I mean, I don't think he... I just wish I knew how much he took, so I could know, but... the way he was acting, and all that retching and groaning and puking and... God, Raph, I'm really scared."

"Hey man," I said, forcing a smile and patting him on the shoulder. "Don will be fine. Physically anyway."

Mikey frowned. "See, that's what worries me most. I mean, I'm scared he won't wake up. But... But I'm also scared that if he does, he'll just carry on like he's been doing, with those pills or whatever. I mean, you seemed to get him back there, Raph, and I can't begin to imagine why, but if you got him and Leo thought he got him, and I thought I could make him laugh, then why did he do it, eh? I mean, we can only help to some degree. It's like you said, some battles are meant to be fought alone, I guess. But the point is... what Don doesn't seem to see is... that we can _still help_. I get the fact that we can't help him _win_. He has to do that on his own, but... we can be here for him to fall back on. You know? A safety net, to catch him, encourage him, and make him try again. Until he actually _does_ win."

I was quiet. This was an odd statement, coming from Mikey, but it was still full of his naivete. What if Don couldn't win? I voiced my opinion.

"Oh, he'll win," said Mikey with a grin and a vigorous nod. "At least, with us behind him he will." The smile disappeared from Mike's face and somehow without it, the temperature in the room seemed to drop below zero. "But he won't let us in the arena. Access Denied. It's like when Bret Hart wouldn't let his brother, Owen, the 123 Kid, watch his match with the Undertaker--"

Great, wrestling metaphors from the nineties.

"–The Undertaker kicked the crap out of him in the ring. The Kid was watching on the TV but couldn't do a damn thing about it. I have the whole thing on tape. That was the night Bret lost his title as King of the Ring and his belt. One of his lasts fights before he left the WWF."

"Didn't the 123 Kid get killed?" I asked. But Mikey shrugged it off and waved at me as if the statement were little more than an annoying fly.

"That's not the point," he said. "I mean... We're like the 123 Kid. And Don is like Bret Hart. And the Undertaker is this thing that keeps eating at him. And we're watchin' it all on TV, but unable to do a damn thing about it because we can't get in the arena. Don gave into him tonight, he submitted. But he hasn't lost his belt yet. He's still got it. But when his next match comes, man, his only way to win is to let us into the arena. To be there to coach him. Ya know?"

Throwing aside the wrestling metaphors, I _did_ understand what Mikey was saying. I rubbed his head, lovingly and he slapped my hand.

"Dude, cut it out!" he whined, but it didn't seem to bother him much. Nothing ever did.

"How'd you get this way, Mikey?" I asked at last, my curiosity getting the better of me. "How come that through it all, all of those things, no matter what the hell happens to you, you're still so optimistic, open, loud and annoying?"

"Well, Raphael," said Mikey, putting on the sarcastic air and false English accent of a college professor. "It's all very elementary, really! You see, despite all the 'things,' as you so casually put it–" and he pretended to sneer at me condescendingly, "– that happen to me, I will _always_ be loud and annoying because, my dear boy, _they _are the fundamental characteristics of my genetic makeup, old chap!" He grinned at me and, in spite of myself, I grinned back.

"God, Mikey, you wacko!" I said with a laugh, punching him lightly in the arm.

"And you, my good sir, are an ignoramus!" he replied, still in fake-English-professor mode. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

"And you _still_ don't know when to drop a joke while it's still funny," I said.

"Hey," said Mikey in an excited whisper as he leaned forward. I laughed a bit and looked interested. "Do you ever wonder if maybe the WWF staged the Kid's death and really he's alive living under an assumed identity of Alfred Zinger in Saskatchewan at this very moment?" he asked, his eyes agleam.

I closed my eyes with a weary smile and took in a deep breath.

"Oh Mikey," I said, exhaling. "You never cease to amaze."

I walked him to his bedroom so he could let April have the couch.

"You gonna go to sleep soon?" Mikey asked, looking at me expectantly as I tried to shut the door on him. I shrugged.

"I might," I replied. Mikey gave me a disappointed frown.

"Dude, sleep," he said. "You probably need it more than the rest of us."

"Sleep's just not my thing right now," I said. "I'm too awake."

Mikey looked at me suspiciously. "Does it have anything to do with you running out on us tonight?"

"What?" I said, caught off guard by the question.

"When Leo went after you. Oh man, did he look intense," Mikey said, shaking his head in awe. "The second you threw down your armbands, he snatched them up curiously as you ran out the door. He looked at them, and the next thing I knew, I saw..."

Mike trailed off, and I don't know why. He sort of stared past me off into space for a while. There was something in his eyes... the way the dim light in the hall hit it in just a certain way, or maybe it was no more than an illusion... They seemed to shine with fear and worry, confusion and doubt. And guilt.

"Mike, what's wrong?" I asked, feeling strangely unnerved by this trick of the light. Mikey blinked and those horrible things were gone from his eyes as they focused on me once more and he gave me a wan smile.

"Oh, uh, nothing," he said, his smile broadening. "I was just thinking about Leo. When he looked at your armbands, and all, that look he had, the one I saw. It was... not Leo. It's like a door to a haunted house inside of him had been opened and all the ghosts were flying out. The next I knew, he was scowling and nearly ripped your bands to shreds as he ran after you..."

I remembered my armbands laying on Leo's bed, turned inside out. I remembered the blood. He must have seen it and suspected... He knew what I was going to do. That was the only explanation.

I looked back at Mike and nearly had a heart attack as I he turned his head and his eyes had that horrible look to it. The sorrow in them... It was simply wrong. Nothing like that grotesque look should ever be seen in Michelangelo's eyes. Mikey. Of all people, he was way too innocent for those things. And way too good.

He looked up and his eyes were warm again, and friendly. It seemed the misery was only visible if the light was hitting it just right.

"You know, if Leo yelled at you for running out without telling us where you were going, you shouldn't pay much heed to it," said Mikey. "I do it all the time."

I frowned at him, confused. "When?" I asked. Mikey was grinning wildly at me.

"A lot of times," he said. "Normally late at night like this, when all the rest of you are sleeping. It's invigorating, isn't it? Knowing you're out up in the cold air, in the peculiar silence of a city that never sleeps... No one knows who you are, up there. No one cares. They're all too busy with their own problems to worry about yours. No one knows where you are. It's absolute freedom; you can do whatever the heck you want and no one would know or care. It's the only place where I really feel like... myself."

Mikey gave me a warm, nostalgic smile, probably remembering his midnight escapades. He sighed. "So believe me, Raph, I know how you feel when you need to be alone, get some air. Sometimes, we all need to regroup our thoughts a little. We all need to remember why we do the things we do, and why we continue doing them. We all need to be reminded that this life really does have its perks, as well as its drags. And we need to be reminded when going through some bumps in the road that when the good stuff comes... it's so worth it. It's so worth it. Blue skies and clear sailing will come of stormy seas, Raph, you just gotta wait for the storm to pass. Even the darkest night will end, and when it does, you'll witness a sunrise so incredible, you'll remember why you endured the night in the first place. I guess... I guess that's the _real_ answer to your question, isn't it? When you asked why I am the way I am. Something bad happens. I worry, I fret, I panic. What good does that do me? I take a walk outside and breathe in the city air, full of smog and tantalizing smells from late-night pizzerias, and I smile and know that tomorrow will be a brighter day. It has to be. Or else, what's the point of it all?"

I looked at Mikey dumbfounded, never expecting such wisdom to come out of the mouth of the youngest turtle. Funny how he was the one we all sheltered and tried to protect the most, and yet he was probably the only one of us who didn't need it at all...

"And also," he added as an afterthought. "I smile for you."

This guy never ceased to shock me.

"For me?"

Mikey shrugged. "Hey, not you specifically, you narcissist. I mean, like... all of you. You guys always seem so... Well, lets just say your seas seem to be a little more stormy than mine." He grinned at me. "Sometimes, Raph, I wonder if you like it that way."

I grumbled, not wanting to admit it. But it was probably true.

"And," Mikey added, as an after-afterthought. "I smile because I have no idea what's going on."

I chuckled and patted him on the arm.

"G'night, bro," I said, loving him more at that moment than I ever had in the past.

"Night," he said with a nod, and he started to close the door to his room. He stopped and his eyes widened as he stuck his head out once more. "Oh, and Raph? Don't tell anyone about my little excursions, OK? The whole point of it is that they're supposed to be secret, you know? No one's supposed to know where I am. That's part of the freedom of it all."

I smiled at him and nodded, pressing a finger to my lips. Grinning, the door finally closed.

The light in the hall seemed to disappear completely now that Mike had closed the door to his room and I wondered if it had ever been there at all. Similarly, I wondered if those horrible monstrosities of emotion had ever existed in Mikey's eyes and soul, and silently hoped that I had been mistaken. But who's to say? He could sort it out. He was more capable of handling these things than the rest of us. That freedom he spoke of when he takes a walk topside... I know what he meant. And it really has an effect on you. I always wondered how he always seemed so bright in the dark of night.

I walked down the hall to Leo's room. His door was slightly ajar, and I remembered I hadn't closed it all the way when I'd left. I pushed it open a little and it creaked on its hinges. The light was still on; it seemed he hadn't bothered to turn it off. His eyes were closed, but his lids were fluttering, and an unhappy frown had taken over his features. His katanas, as usual, were right by his bed side, in case of a midnight emergency in which he'd need to grab them right away. He was sleeping over the quilt of a made bed and I wondered why he hadn't pulled back the sheets and settled in. But I didn't dwell on the thought.

He moaned and turned over and I tilted my head, wondering what he was dreaming. Something about Don, no doubt. He grumbled again and his arm swatted at an invisible enemy.

"No..." was the only intelligible word I could decipher from his ramblings.

Sighing, I turned out the light and closed the door.

When I stepped out of Leo's room, I found myself across from Don's and hesitated. Was Splinter still awake? If he was, did I risk more hurtful words by entering and sitting by him with my brother?

Holding my breath and afraid of what I might see, I opened the door...

Splinter was slumped in his chair in a restless sleep. His face kept twitching and he was shivering. I looked around Don's room and found a spare blanket in his closet. Doing as I had done with April, I draped the blanket over my Sensei's sleeping form. But unlike April, he did not grasp it greedily. It seemed that when his body sensed it, he rejected it with force and it fell to the ground. Almost as if he didn't want to be soothed...

I shook my head sadly, wondering how we would all get through this, and how we would all be changed.

I, for one, had already been changed. I felt as if a sea, that had been raging inside me for my whole life, had somehow been calmed. It might have been Leo, and learning and understanding how his mind worked. It might have been Mikey and his optimism, telling me that it was OK to run away every now and then, as long as we return. It might have been April and her perceptive reporter skills, asking me what I was afraid of. It might have been Splinter, and learning that he wasn't always the stoic, solid rock of the family, as I had always perceived him to be. Or, it might have been Donatello himself, and being reminded once again that life is full of secrets and responsibilities, hiding just beneath the surface.

And I still had a responsibility to him.

I walked over to my angst-ridden brother, emotionless in his unconsciousness. I lay a gentle hand on his forehead, as if searching for a fever I would never find.

If it had been me laying in that bed, all this would have been different.

Don, in my place, would have known what to do right away. Being the doctor of the family, he would have magically come up with some cure, even if it had taken him a while. Somehow, he would have come up with a way to wave his magic wand and make everything right again. With his sensitive perceptions, he would have noticed I was slipping, and maybe caught me before it was too late. Psychic and mysterious, he was a troubled sorcerer, a puzzle that longed to be solved.

Splinter wouldn't have blamed Don for my plight, like he blamed me for Don's. He would have thought that this was just another one of Raph's crazy, dangerous phases, another fad I had to try. Just like the time I came home drunk off my ass. Splinter nursed me through my hangover, and did not waste his breath in scolding me. Somehow, he knew it was just another crazy, one time experiment, and that I'd never do it again.

I never did.

But this, this wasn't me. I wasn't the one lying half-dead in my bed. I wasn't the one who decided to change everything by swallowing some stupid poisons. I'd warned Don that this would happen. I warned him that if he tried this, it would ruin all the rest of us. He'd listened then. Had he really forgotten so quickly?

A bitter fury rose inside of me and I almost wanted to scream out in frustration. Had he forgotten about _me_??? Was I so inconsequential in his great scheme of things that it didn't matter if I was totally destroyed by his actions?

And most of all, had he forgotten that he could always, always tell me when he was even _thinking _about doing something stupid like this? Had he forgotten those fragile, powerful words I had uttered to him and him alone while sitting in his room that day? Something strange had possessed me then, and forced me to admit that I really did love him. Aloud. I rarely, if ever, told any of my brothers that. At the time, Don seemed to appreciate the strength it had taken me to say that. And though I tried to blame it on some strange demon, I knew that the real spirit that had possessed me was the strong and unbreakable... love... that I really did feel for him.

I cried right then. No one was watching, so no one would know. I hadn't cried in years, not since I was a kid. Unless you count when I was trying to kill myself. But the utter despair that gripped me in that moment forced the sorrow out of my eyes. I should have told him every day. I should have, and yet I never did. I should tell them all, every damn day. I should, and yet I never will.

And I hated myself. In that moment, all my love was exhausted. I was loving Leo, for his strength and courageous sacrifices I could never make. I was loving Mikey, for the wise optimism I could never possess. I was loving Splinter, for his solid steadfastness that I could never handle. I was loving April, for the dreams she would always keep that I could never know.

And I was hating myself for the egotism that they could never rid me of.

I fumbled for Don's clammy hand and clutched it desperately, the tears still spilling.

"Don, Don, Don..." I said, over and over. "Don, Don, Don... You gotta wake up. You have to save me. You have to be my anchor. You gotta do so many things, Don. Don... You just gotta wake up. If you don't, I don't know what'll become of me. You already have me crying my eyes out here! When's the last time you remember seeing that?" I gave a curt, morose laugh.

"Come on Don, see what you're doing to me? If I told you this was killing me, would you stop? Please, Don. You don't need pills, not at all, don't you see? You got all you need, right here in this lair. All sleeping, like you. All ready to wake up, for you. All aching to be there when you awaken from this crazy stupor. All achin' to be there for _you_. I learned a lot today, Don, and it's really gotten to me. You don't know how much I hate it. I... I'm different, somehow. Mikey was right. I liked it when I was full of inner turmoil. I _liked _being full of myself. Because now, I'm empty, and full of you at the same time. With my own conflicts somehow magically resolved by things Leo and Mikey and April and Splinter all said, there's too much time to think and worry about you. I don't wanna worry about you, Don. So wake up, so I can go back to worrying about myself. Worst of all, man, I know I shoulda told you... I... I love yeh, Donnie... So come on, wake up so I can at least tell yeh that for one last time..."

Don did not heed my requests.

I sighed, painfully, as though I'd expected him to just sit up in bed and say, "I love you too, Raph."

"It is unfair that fate will not comply with our needs, despite how we beg."

I jumped at the hoarse voice and looked up to see Splinter awake, and looking at me with that inscrutable expression I prayed for the wisdom to understand.

"Master Splinter," I said, strangely out of breath. "I didn't realize you were awake..."

He nodded with a knowing smile. "Raphael... I am sorry for any undue stress I may have placed on your shoulders. I was--"

"I know," I interrupted, not wanting to hear an apology. "Really, Sensei, it's me who should be apologizing. You're right. I should have told you Don was taking pills. But I guess it was sort of a confidence thing, you know? And I thought he was done with them, I really did."

Splinter nodded. "I understand, my son," he whispered. "This is no more your fault than it is mine. Perhaps it is less so."

He sighed, mournfully and I felt a peculiar need to reassure him.

"It's not your fault at all, Master Splinter," I said pointedly. He looked up at me, as if startled by my words.

"Perhaps you are right," he says, looking back to Donatello.

We're silent a moment, both wishing that we could blame this whole things on ourselves and leave our innocent Donatello guilt-free. But we couldn't save him from that. However, we could pretend that we could.

As if reading my thoughts, he said, "Sometimes denial can save us from the unbearable truth."

I nodded, absently. Neither of us dare tear our eyes away from our sleeping loved one.

I didn't know what to say to Splinter. I had nothing _to _say. I thought of our discussion six months ago, how much I needed his permission to step into Donnie's life. I knew that, like I did, he had known something was horribly wrong. But he hadn't realized the extent of it. Like Leo, I guess. But even I could never have predicted Don's unexpected actions that have led us all to doubt ourselves...


	5. Sunrise

_**Author's Note: **_I originally had a dream sequence at the beginning of this, but it wasn't that interesting and rather redundant. I've had fun with redunancies throughout this story, but all to make a point. (IE, the repetition of the fact that Raph is self-centered. This comes into play in Chapter Six.) Nonetheless, this dream I thought was TOO much, so it's gone. However, I will put it in an extra chapter at the end of this fic, full of other "edited excerpts" of scenes I edited and/or deleted. Kinda like the Special Features on a DVD. That is, if y'all want it.

Also, I encourage you to ask questions! I just LOVE a curious mind. In fact, I think it's about time I answer a few I've been avoiding...

**FAQ**

_**What made Don so depressed it drove him to OD?  
**_This subject will be tackled in-depth in Chapter Six (yeah, a lot of stuff happens in that chapter). I've hinted at it slightly throughout the fic, and don't get me wrong, his stupid brain is part of it. Chemicals CAN make a person utterly depressed for seemingly no reason at all. This was Don's original problem. However, there was also REASON for him to be a little down-- and these two factos combined led him to such things. By the by, there's more behind the suicide attempt than Raph knows, therefor I can't explain EXACTLY what happened before Chapter Six. It didn't necessarily happen as it appeared to.

_**Why was Raph depressed orignially?**  
_The answer to this question can be found in "Judgement Day." At least, the answer Raphael would give you. The answer Leo or Don might give is hinted at in Chapter Three, and explored in depth in Chapter Six. Basically, for those of you who don't wanna go read Judgement Day, Raph felt a lot of pent-up rage/sorrow over little things. As well, he couldn't relate to any of his brothers, least of all Leo, who pushes him too far and he decides he can't take the pressure anymore. He thinks he hates his family, but admits that if anything were to happen to them, he'd go completely insane. By the way, this theory of Raph's utter insanity at the destruction of his family has led me to have another plot bunny. If you want a see a story exploring this, all you need do is ask. However, it is the realization that he loves Donatello-- and later, the rest of his brothers-- that saves him from himself, and in turn lends him the power to save Don. However, he refuses to admit his new found feelings, and Raph's wonderful ability at bottling his emotions, even unexpressed love can leave him confused and shaken.

**_So that's why Raph was depressed. What made him attempt suicide the second time?  
_**You must remember that Raphael was brought back down to earth BY Donatello. Not by Leo, Mikey, Splinter or anyone else. He feels eternally indepted to his younger brother, both respecting and marveling at him at the same time. The way Don's been written has been skewed to fit the way Raph sees him: almost as some mysterious being that could solve any problem. When Raphael discovers Donatello's imperfections, and the fact that Don was ready to throw his life away without any regard of what RAPHAEL thought of this (remember, he's self-centered), he was in shock. Already blaming himself, convinced Don wouldn't have done this had he intervened, Splinter places more blame on his shoulders. Also, he knew Don would disapprove of the fact that he was cutting again and was ashamed of it. Without Don, his stability has dissolved. All his previous qualms with his life has returned full force. Desperate to join his brother at any costs, and to stop the madness that is engulfing him, he flees into thoughts of suicide. Don isn't there to save him this time, but _Leo_ is, and he realizes that the bond he had with Don wasn't unique or isolated. Don isn't the only brother who refuses to see Raph fall. Leo and Mikey, too, are there to catch him. Thus, his stability returned, he has nothing more to stress over. All his problems had revolved around him and how he hated his family and his life. Realizing that his family _loved_ him and that he in turn loved them, and that his life was slowly starting to work himself out, he's baffled to find a new source of calm within himself. He doesn't even know _why_ he thought his life was so bad in the first place. Which, in this story, is typical of Raphael (this will be explored more, again, in Chapter Six-- hope I haven't given too much away.)

**_Which version of TMNT are you basing these characters on?  
_**I understand that the answer to this is not obvious, seeing as the characters seem like one version one moment and another the next. April's a reporter, and yet references to new series episodes are made and Casey is present. I guess I'm melding all four worlds-- the movies, comics, and the old and new TV series. Seeing as I've loved the TNMT since the womb, I've been influenced by all these versions.

OK! I hope that made sense :-S. NOW on with the chapter! (Sorry for the heaping A/N!)

Chapter Five: Sunrise

I don't remember falling asleep. But I do remember being awoken.

"Raphael," said Splinter, his voice soft and kind. "You must have some breakfast with your brothers and Miss O'Neil."

Groggily, I waved a weary hand at him and told him to leave me be. I was vaguely aware that I was slumped over something. It was comfortable and warm, I didn't want to move. Beneath me I felt the steady rise and fall of a pulsing entity. It was soothing, and I felt peaceful.

"Raphael," Splinter said, refusing to leave me alone. He shook me and I opened my eyes.

"What???" I snapped, furious that he had awoken me. But he smiled and nodded at my make-shift bed. I sat up and realized I was sitting on the edge of Don's bed, my legs slung over the side. I had laid myself across his sleeping form, and I now remembered his rhythmic breathing that had lulled me to sleep. It brought a strange smile to my lips.

I looked up to Splinter. "I gotchya," I said. "I'll come and eat something with you guys. I wanna see how April is faring on that couch anyway."

When Splinter and I emerged from Don's room, the smell of pancakes filled the air.

Leo must be cooking, I thought.

And sure enough, as we entered the living room, I found out that April's like a gold fish. When in a small space, she remains small. But if given space to grow, she's really all over the place. I found her as sprawled out on the couch as Mikey had been, maybe even taking up more space if that were possible. It made me laugh, and I disturbed her.

She yawned. "What time is it?" she asked.

"7:30," Splinter replied politely. "Would you like some breakfast, Miss O'Neil?"

April grinned as the scent of fresh hot pancakes entered her nostrils. She accepted. "I would like nothing more."

In the kitchen, I found Leo preparing some hot pancakes, drizzling maple syrup over the top. Upon hearing us enter, he looked up and smiled warmly at us. His eyes were jaded, and accompanied by bags underneath them, as if to underscore the hard day we had experienced yesterday. However, despite my predictions, Splinter seemed as alert as ever as he pointed out to Leo that his pancakes were burning.

Frantically, Leo tried to save the pancake, but one side was scorched black. Shrugging, he turned to us.

"I'll take the burned one if no one wants it," he said, always the self-sacrificing turtle.

"Ask not what your family can do for you..." I said with a smile. Leo rolled his eyes and turned the pan over and let the dead pancake flop onto his own plate.

He served April first, being the guest, and then Splinter. When handing me my plate, our eyes met. Something new was in them... He smiled at me.

"Thanks," I said as I took the plate, uncertain and awkward. His smile widened.

"Thank _you_," he whispered.

I was confused at his gratitude and wondered what it was for. Looking around at the table, I noticed Splinter and April hadn't heard it, all too involved in eating their breakfast.

I decided to shake the thought from my mind. "Where's Mikey?" I asked.

Leo looked over his shoulder as he prepared Mikey's portion.

"Still sleeping, no doubt," he said. "You know him, he's never up before noon."

"If we don't have training in the morning..." I said, looking at him questioningly.

"And we don't," Leo said, not turning to me. "Therefor, we'll let sleeping turtles lie."

Leo put saran wrap over Mikey's portion and put it in the fridge. He joined us at the table with a strong smile.

I looked at him curiously. "Why?" I asked. Leo's smile dissolved.

"We're an odd number," he explained as he took his seat. "And none of us would be able to concentrate on the task at hand, or be able to get much done, nor would it be good for our skills to stress them to the breaking point and have someone injure a limb. Besides, three is an unlucky number."

"But you can't do that!" I exclaimed in protest. "We do training everyday. It's like routine and you're breaking it just because…"

I stopped suddenly. I knew this wasn't a 'just because' situation. I took a huge bite out of my pancakes, pretending not to notice all the eyes on me.

I felt a dull ache in my arms and looked at them and the red armbands covering them curiously. As we ate in silence, I wondered at the throbbing pain coursing through my arms, like a dull periodic electric current.

I looked up and noticed Leo was looking at me gravely, his eyes as hard and cold as they were yesterday when he rescued me from my self-induced bout of insanity.

"Raph…" he said, his voice a low grumble, like a dog about to bark. He thought I was thinking of cutting again.

"Leo, it's not what you think," I said, hoping to put his fears to rest. Leo would have none of it.

"_No_, Raph!" he said harshly, piercing me with his stern gaze.

"_Leonardo_!" I hissed back through gritted teeth. He looked ready to yell at me. If he said anything, if he denounced me right there, I knew I would never be able to look Splinter in the eye again. And all because I was wondering why my arms suddenly started hurting again.

I looked around and noted the curious looks of surprise on April and Splinter's faces, no doubt wondering at how a previously relatively pleasant breakfast could have transformed into a tense battle of unknown secrets.

Leo's passions subsided after my warning, and he mumbled a quick apology as he returned to his breakfast. But that look in his eye told me that his mind was not at ease, and that I should expect a confrontation with him later.

I rolled my eyes and rose from the table, grabbing my plate and rinsing it off in the sink.

Really not wanting to go through a pointless conversation about it later, I turned to my brother and said, "Really, Leo, it's nothing."

I stared at him long and hard, my gaze piercing and earnest. Finally, Leo calmed down and nodded at me, trusting me.

To dispel any questions April and Splinter might ask, I said quickly, "I'm gonna go check on Mikey."

I opened his door slowly, expecting to be greeted by his booming snores. But silence was my welcome wagon. Frowning, I turned on the light and found his bed empty.

Slightly worried, I returned to the kitchen, pretending things were normal.

"Er, I'm going out for some fresh air," I told them, gesturing my thumb at the ceiling. Leo watched me warily a moment, and I looked at him, irritated at his over protectiveness. "It's just air, Leo," I said, pointedly. Reluctantly, he seemed to let it slide.

"How's Mikey?" he asked.

"Uh, sleeping, like you said," I replied.

"You know, I think I'll go up with you," said April, rising and taking her dishes to the sink. "I should probably be getting home anyway."

"You are welcome to stay with us as long as you like, Miss O'Neil," Splinter offered, kindly.

"Thank you," she said with a warm smile. "But I told Casey I was going for a walk. He's probably destroyed half the neighborhood by now looking for me. I should _really _get back," she added with a laugh.

But I didn't want April following me up.

"I'll tell Casey," I said so suddenly and forcefully that I earned a suspicious look from Leo. Glancing at him briefly and turning to April once more, I said, "You should stay here. I mean, you've been a real help, April, really. I know Mikey loves having you around, and your bright face and support really is, uh, good for all of us. Besides, I know Don will really want to see you when he wakes up."

No matter how peculiar my comments may have sounded to them, I knew they wouldn't question further if I mentioned Don.

"Alright," said April quietly after a moment of hesitation. "I'll stay just a little longer."

I left before they could ask anymore questions.

Once topside, I took to roof hopping, watching the streets below as I jumped from one building to the next. Remembering Mikey's words to me the night before, I wasn't too concerned that anything bad had happened to him. Still, finding his bed empty was like finding him dead. And somehow, I had an eerie feeling about all this and I just felt sick about the whole thing. I searched for the odd-shaped vagabond in tattered clothes, or the wandering pedestrian with green-tinged skin that kept to the shadows.

I was so absorbed in searching the streets below, that I hadn't watched where I was jumping. As I landed on the roof of an office building, my left foot struck something hard and I tumbled over it. I had to break my fall onto the rough concrete with my hands and forearms, which shot a spasm of raw pain up my limbs. I bit my tongue, refusing to let the pain get to me.

"Hey, watch where you're going!"

I lied on the roof awhile, catching my breath, silently fuming. I turned to look angrily at the obstacle that had caused my fall. An unusually large, mutant-looking reptile with an orange bandana tied around his head was crouched on the edge of the building, staring out at the newly risen sun to the east.

Slowly, I dusted myself off and approached him, my arms radiating pain.

"Well, good morning, Michelangelo," I said, gritting my teeth and bearing the pain.

"Sorry," said Mikey. "I woke up early and had to watch the sunrise."

"You scared me," I told him. He laughed, still staring off at the horizon.

"No I didn't," he said. "You just wanted an excuse to get out."

I dropped it there and looked down at the street below. Of all my brothers, Mikey was the hardest to decipher. Beyond his carefree nature was a whirlpool of emotions and issues he refused to share. But unlike Don and I, he dealt with them instead of letting them fester. Which was, I guess, the real motivation behind his early morning excursions.

I looked at him now, crouching calmly on the roof, smiling serenely at the bustling city below... He was so relaxed. I'd never seen him like this.

"Where'd all your energy go?" I asked my brother. I saw a grin spread across his face as he stared out across the city. I had an ominous premonition of danger before he turned to me without warning and tackled me, grabbing my wrists and slamming them to the ground. I let out a scream, but Mikey was grinning on top of me.

"Gotchya!" he laughed.

"Mike, _get off me_!" I said, half angry, half begging. His smile disappeared and he let my arms go, straightening up and looking disturbed.

"Raph...?" he said, uncertainly. I was breathing heavily as I sat up. My head began to spin. I rubbed my wrists through the armbands, trying to sooth the pain. I closed my eyes.

"When I fell..." I explained. "I hurt my arms."

"Sorry..." Mikey said, sounding a little hurt. "I didn't realize..."

"Yeah," I said hastily. "You wouldn't have."

He reached out a hand to help me up, and I was reminded of Leo offering his hand to me yesterday in the sewers. Cautiously, I took it. But unlike Leonardo, Michelangelo's touch was gentle and his other hand reached down to ease me onto my feet.

I smiled at him, grateful for his tender care. "How can you be so..." I trailed off, because at the knowing grin on Mikey's face, I knew I didn't need to finish.

"You know, Raph," he said. "You're kinda crazy."

I laughed. "Oh really, you think _I'm_ crazy. This coming from the guy who dressed up in a cape and thought he was a super hero."

Mikey closed his eyes and shook his head, jubilant smile still in place. "You're crazy," he repeated. "But I wouldn't have ya any other way."

I threw my arm around my brother's shoulders.

"Yo, you wanna come with me to Casey's? I promised April I'd tell him where she was."

"Already been there, bro," Mikey grinned at me. "I woke him up. He almost swung a baseball bat at my head. I told him about Don, though. He looked really pale. Said he'd drop by later."

I nodded, wondering at Casey's reaction and hoping April's apartment would be intact by the time she returned.

In companionable silence, I walked my baby brother back to the lair.

When we entered, I froze.

The atmosphere was dark and foreboding, like the calm before a storm. April and Leo sat in the living room, looking solemn.

Upon hearing the two of us enter, they turned to us, their faces blank.

"What is it?" I asked, nearly out of breath with suspense. "What's wrong?"

"Don's awake," Leo said, simply.


	6. Awakening

**_Author's Notes:_** At last, the final chapter in the final installment of the trilogy. My work here is complete. I hope you had the time of your life. ;-). Currently, I'm working on a Teen Titans story, but I may be back with a new TNMT tale... Either the "Raph goes crazy" scenario (which I haven't really explored in my own head yet) or, more likely, a story I'm thinking up called "Demon" in which Leo goes over the top when dealing with a criminal and accidnetally becomes one himself... If you're interested in seeing either of these, just say so. (PS: I'm not posting the deleted excerpts, I've decided. They're not worthy. So don't expect a next chapter).

In the meantime, I figure I should disclaim some things.

In chapter one, the song lyrics in the beginning are from "The Runaway" by Something Corporate. The lyrics in the next chapter are from "Let You Down" by New Found Glory. And, the lyrics that finish the piece are from "Time of Your Life" by Green Day (who, I should mention, named themselves after the turtles. Once a week they'd get together and watch TNNMT and laugh and talk about it. They called this turtles day "Green Day." And thus the name of their band.)

Also, I probably should mention that I have no legal claims/rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and its characters and affiliates. Although you all already know that, seeing as you've been reading fan fictions and watching the show long before I came and wrote this story. Nonetheless, legalities often make little sense... I just don't want to get sued.

Now, on to the final installment.

Chapter Six: Awakening

It was incredibly strange and awkward... All this time, I had thought Donatello's awakening would be some happy affair, with streamers and smiles, almost a celebration. But it almost seemed as though he'd died.

Before I knew it, I was running down the hall, with Michelangelo on my heals. We stopped short of Donatello's closed door. I placed my hand on the knob and hesitated.

"What are you waiting for?" Michelangelo asked anxiously, and strangely out of breath. I turned to him, fear in my eyes.

"Why do you think they were so grim?" I asked him. "D'you think he's OK?"

Mikey merely nodded. "Of course I do," he said. "If he wasn't, he wouldn't be awake."

His optimism talking again. Drawing strength from it, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Splinter was sitting by his bedside with a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a cup of water. Donatello was on his side, facing the wall away from us. I could feel myself shaking as I stood in the doorway.

Splinter looked up at Mikey and me, looking quite nonchalant. He looked at me long and hard, then turned to Mikey.

"Michelangelo," he said, putting the bowl of soup on Don's bedside table. "Come with me."

"But Master Splinter–"

"_Now_, my son," he said, rising, and taking Mikey by the shoulder. Grumbling, the youngest turtle left reluctantly, shooting desperate looks at his poor brother. The door closed and we were alone.

I could hear his shaking breath and for a moment, I held mine, not knowing what to say to him.

"I suppose you want to know why I did it." It was a simple statement, without any inclining tone of a question. I shrugged at his words, and then remembered he couldn't see me.

"Only if you're willing to tell," I said, taking the chair Splinter had vacated.

Don turned over in his bed and stared at me with bloodshot eyes. His face was pale, and he seemed somehow older, aged prematurely by his suicide attempt. Or perhaps it was the reasons behind the attempt that had added years on the young turtle.

"It has nothing to do with you, if you were wondering," he said. I frowned.

"Why would I think–"

"Because you always do," Don interrupted, evenly. He sighed.

"So why did you do it?" I asked after a long silence. He looked at me.

"Sometimes there are things that just can't be settled," he replied. "I didn't really intend on killing myself."

"Oh no?" I said, skeptically.

"No," he said, simply. "I... I wasn't thinking. One thing led to another and... You know, I took one, and then another, and then in my ecstatic state I almost forgot what I was taking them for. I just wanted to remember what it was to be... happy, you know?"

He glanced at his desk and noticed the new pill bottle I had left there before running out on Splinter.

"I didn't know I had more," he whispered.

"You didn't," I replied. "I got those from Danny."

Don looked like a child caught red handed stealing a cookie. But he merely sighed again. "Damn."

"You don't _need _them, Donnie," I said. "They just fuck you up and make you do stupid things."

Don nodded silently. "I guess I should have known better, huh?"

"Don... what's wrong? What was so wrong that you felt you couldn't talk to me about it? I woulda understood–"

"_No_, Raphael!" Donatello snapped, angrily. "No, you wouldn't have understood. Every damn day you're so involved in your own problems that you could care less about everyone else's!"

I looked at him in shock. "Don, that's not true... I care about you."

"Yeah," said Don with a scoff. "You care. Only because if something were to happen to me, _you _would feel guilty, right? _You _would have problems with it, and _you _would continue in your incessant cries for attention that everyone sees yet chooses to ignore because it's just another one of those things you do."

The words cut worse than the razor had and my arms began to throb again.

"Don..." I said. "Don, no... It's not like that, not now, Don, I get it..."

Don looked at my armbands as if it justified his claims. "Oh, so I suppose that's just another fashion statement by Raphael, huh?"

Quickly, I hid my arms from his view and glared at him. "That has nothing to do with you."

"Doesn't it?" Don returned. "I bet the minute after I collapsed, you were in the bathroom with your precious razor. Can you prove me wrong?"

I sighed and looked away from him. "No, I can't," I replied.

I looked up at his smug expression and it infuriated me. "I don't _get _you, Don! I helped you once before! I... I _told _you, Don, I'm here for you. I trusted you with a shameful secret in hopes that you would trust me in return. I talked you out of your pills and now I find you're just taking more! _What _in the name of _Christ _is your problem, Donatello? We all know what mine is. I'm self-centered. I'm egotistical. It's not real depression, just desperate cries for attention. Right? ANSWER ME! AM I RIGHT?"

Don flinched at my screaming. He pulled the covers closer to him to stop a chill and turned away from me. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"Well, Don," I said. "If this whole thing was to teach me a lesson, I've learned it. I have. I–"

"There you go again," Don snapped, furiously. "Do you really think I did this _just _to teach you a lesson? I told you already, I didn't _do _it because of–"

"Would you shut up and let me finish?" I interrupted, furiously. He was silent, and I went on. "I _know _now that I gotta look around before making such rash decisions. I know that what I do and say affects people. I know that Leo and Mikey have their own issues to deal with without having to tolerate _my _pointless problems, and I know that I have _got _to pay more attention to you because if I don't I could lose you forever. God, Don, you heard _nothing _of what I said to you last night, did you? I guess that's to be expected. I mean, you were unconscious for Christ's sake!"

There was silence.

"What did you say?" Don asked at last, his voice a mere whisper.

I had to smile. I was reminded when I'd asked Don the same thing in the sewers two years ago.

"I told you I'd changed, and I hated myself for it," I said, calmly. "I told you that all my problems seemed to have disappeared. And without them, it feels like I'm empty. That's my character I guess. Raph and his problems. But now, I'm just Raph. Raph and Don's problems. Being empty of my own self-centered worries, I was full of yours. I was full of myself, but now I'm full of you. Really, Donatello, you had me in tears...

"But most of all..." I said, smiling slightly. "I'm glad I have the chance to actually tell you what I should have told you every day of your life..."

"I love you..." Don choked out, his back still to me.

"Yeah," I said. "That's it. I do."

"No," said Don, turning around with a wan smile. "_I _love _you_."

I laughed. "Right, so I guess the right answer would be... I love you too, Donnie. I always have. You're my little brother. I know how Leo feels when it comes to you and Mikey. I felt it yesterday. Would you believe I actually understand the guy pretty well now? Did you _ever _think that would happen?"

Don gave a short laugh. "I thought you and Leonardo would always be on opposite sides of the world. I'm glad you finally met on common grounds."

"Yeah," I said. "That common ground was anxiety for you."

"I really _did _teach you a lesson, didn't I?" said Don. I nodded. "I hadn't intended to... Raph, it's just... Everyday I wake up to the same thing. You and Leo are always fighting, and someone's always angry with poor Michelangelo. You know he only does what he does because he admires you! He wants nothing more in the world than to make you laugh, to make you happy. And yet, you shun him like he's some cat pleading to be fed. Michelangelo... He goes on anyway, God knows how, your cruelty merely motivation for him to try harder."

"I get that now," I said. "I know about Mikey's troubles. I also know that he deals with them better than the rest of us. Really, he should be _my _role model, not the other way around. I don't know a freer spirit."

Don gave a weak smile. "Well, that's good, I guess," he said.

"So was it really just us fighting all the time?" I asked. "It's gotta be more than that."

"It was," said Don, darkly. "I just couldn't see the point of it all, why we kept going on the way we did. It never helped anything. If anything, our lives got worse every day, and more dangerous. I couldn't stand it. Everyday, I felt like I was hiding in the corner with my hands over my ears, trying to block out the screams of misfortune... Splinter's always trying to teach us things we never want to learn until we have to the hard way. And April and Casey are forever in danger because of us. And I'm always alone, with my fruitless work on things I'll never finish. Books I'll never read, places I'll never see, and a life I'll never live. I feel I'll always be alone... Sometimes, I just need to get out of here. I feel I'm suffocating with all the shouting. Sometimes, Raph, I wonder if you'd ever noticed me at all, or if I was just another person to give you your much needed attention. I put you up on center stage with the spotlight so many times, Raph. I hid in the shadows of the audience, applauding and crying at appropriate intervals. And after the show, you always walked right by me, complaining about the lighting in your dressingroom."

"Oh God, Donnie..." I said, unable to believe. "I... I never knew, I shoulda told you... I think you're probably the most... impressive guy I know."

"Yeah..." said Don, staring at the floor. "But it wasn't just you. Leo and Mikey are no help either. You think with all his worrying about us, Leo has time to actually talk to us? Both of you are the same way. That's why you guys never got along before. You never talked, you just yelled to get your own point across. You were always so involved in making sure you were heard, you didn't care to listen. And Mike, with his 'if it's serious, I don't want to hear it' attitude. You try to tell him anything worth while and he brushes it off like snow on his jacket. You try to get him to talk to you, and he merely cracks a joke. I've tried to get him to tell me about what he thinks about you, but he always changes the subject. No one talks to me. But worst of all, no one listens to me."

"I'm listening now," I said. "We're all listening now."

"I thought you were listening six months ago," Don continued. "With all you said to me, I thought you finally understood... but after that, you went back to how you always were. Do you know how many times I tried to tell you and you just blew me off? Everything was all about how it'll hurt Raph, how everyone's out to get Raph, and how Raph is going to protect himself from everything else. It was always the world against Raph. We were never on your side, and you were never on mine."

"Donnie, that's not true..." I said. "Really, it's not, I _was _listening six months ago. I was listening two _years _ago when you saved me from myself. I never told you how much you mean to me, man. You're right, though. Sometimes I can be a self-centered prick. But you're the guy who keeps me down to earth, and who reminds me that there are other things out there. But most of the things I really mean, I never say. I never tell you guys just why I really love you..."

There was a brief silence, in which Don and I both acknowledged the confession that had slipped from my lips.

"And why do you love me, Raph?" Don asked, propping himself on one arm.

"I marvel at how perceptive you are," I replied. "You got my personality down to a key, and Leo and Mikey's too, no doubt. You're the perfect mediator. You never complain about yourself and you're so bright, Don. What with all these inventions and stuff... It's not fruitless, far from it. I think it's great. Your work is like magic; it comes outa nowhere. You're like this talented magician who always seems to know exactly what to do... And yet, you're severely troubled and torn up inside, and you hide behind pills and chemicals and you refuse to tell anyone the truth."

"I told you now. Before, I'd been convinced things would never change. But I guess Hell's frozen over then," Don said, laughing. "You and Leo finally understand each other. You've finally learned to respect Mikey. And you're finally actually trying to not focus so much on yourself. Where's the devil going to live now that you've destroyed his home?"

I laughed. "He'll probably haunt me for the rest of my life."

Don looked away from me, his face seeming strangely gaunt in the pale light.

"Or perhaps he'll haunt me," he said grimly.

"No, Don," I said. "I won't allow it. I'll never let you feel like that again, I swear. I'll make sure that you will never need any pills of any sort ever again."

He looked at me with a wan smile. "Thanks," he said.

I smiled at him and shook my head. "Hey, man, you're my brother, it's no problem."

"I love you, Raph," he said.

"Damn, man, we've been through this," I told him. "But I love you too."

I rose to leave and he grabbed my arm. "Wait–"

I flinched and quickly closed my eyes as the coarse material of the armband chafed at the scars on my wrist, the pain in them returning full force. When I opened my eyes again I saw Don looking at me in wary concern. He forced me to sit back down and pulled back my armbands so he could see my wrists.

I nearly fainted from what I saw. My arms were drained of color, the blood oozing black from the dozens of wounds. Blisters of yellow clung to the edges of the cuts and I didn't know what to make of it.

Don looked from my arms to my face in horror.

"Raph!" he said. "What the hell did you do???"

"I... nothing..." I said. "It was fine... Tetanus?" I asked, looking horrified. But Don just shook his head.

"Nah..." he said, examining the wounds closely. He looked up at me, biting his lip. "It could lead to septicemia though if you let it. We have to clean them pronto. Do we have any penicillin and hydrogen peroxide?"

"You tell me, you're the pharmacist of the sewers!" I replied, half-accusingly. Don went silent. I took a quavering breath and apologized. "I'm sorry, Don, I'm panicking," I said.

He smiled at me reassuringly. "No worries," he said. "It only has the opportunity right now to turn into something serious. But we'll just stop it from going that far. Listen, septicemia is caused by an infection of microorganisms into the bloodstream, spreading and multiplying throughout the body releasing toxins. They can cause your organs to fail."

"I can _die???_" Suddenly, the concept of dying at that moment wasn't half as appealing as it had been the day before. I was petrified. However, Don laughed,

"Hey, Raph, relax!" he exclaimed, swinging his legs out of bed. "I probably shouldn't have scared you like that. You are _fine_ from what I can tell at any rate. I mean, all that's wrong is you have a bacterial infection in your arms, probably from the razor." I grumbled, remembering noting the uncleanliness of my destructive tool and disregarding it. He wavered when he got to his feet and I supported him. He laughed at himself and found his own footing.

"At least you haven't been in any real unsanitary conditions where it could have really gotten infected."

I froze as Donatello hobbled over to his shelf of chemicals. He noticed the panic-stricken look on my face. Finally, he sighed. "Oh great, what'd you do this time?"

"The... the water..." I stuttered, remembering how sickly pale my arms had appeared after Leo's rescue. Don rolled his eyes and merely shuffled through his cabinets. "Doesn't that _mean_ anything?" I cried, terrified.

Don turned around holding a brown bottle and some pills, smiling. "Just that you're an idiot," he said. "Give me your arms." He poured some liquid from the bottle onto a cotton ball. The minute the yellowish thin liquid touched my skin, my nerves screamed in protest. As did I.

"Jesus Christ, Don, that kills!" I shrieked, pulling my arm away from him.

"Don't be a baby," Don said, yanking my arm back. "It's just hydrogen peroxide. In the mean time, take these." He handed me the pills. "It's some penicillin. I'll go straight into your blood stream after its digested, and the fungus will kill any harmful bacteria the water or the razor my have allowed to enter into your body."

I swallowed the pills and gritted my teeth as I let Don clean both my arms and wrap them in bandages. When he had finished, I looked at my wrapped arms skeptically.

"Won't they find this suspicious?" I asked Don. He just handed me my armbands in reply.

"Just wear these over them," he said. I put my armbands back on and he sat down on his bed and let out a huge sigh, as if he were relieved. I looked at him curiously.

"So," I said. "There you go. Saving my life again." He smiled, but didn't look at me. "See, Don? We need you. If you'd died... If you hadn't noticed my wounds... I would have gotten blood poisoning and died."

"And had I not taken too many pills in the first place, you wouldn't have cut your arms," said Don in reply. "I guess I can affect you for better or worse. But the point is, that I still _do_ affect you. And that I love you."

"Three times in one conversation, _damn,_ kid! Don't make me say it again." I grinned at my brother.

"You don't have to," said Don. "Just so long as you can show it every day."

I hugged him then. His body felt strangely frail, but his embrace was firm. I was scared that if I squeezed to hard, he might break.

I heard a stifled laugh from the doorway and immediately broke away from Donnie. We both looked to the door.

"Sorry," said Michelangelo, trying to suppress another chuckle. "I just can't remember the last time Raph hugged someone of his own free will."

I looked to Donnie, who smiled at the rambunctious turtle. It was a loving, understanding smile, as if he were peering into Mikey's very soul, and somehow knew his greatest desire, and greatest fear all at once. And he loved him all the more for it. He really did understand us all... And yet none of us really understood him.

Don outstretched an arm. "Get over here, Mikey," he said with a grin. "I've missed you."

Mikey's amused smile grew to a delighted grin. "What? Really?"

"Just stop blabberin' like an idiot, and get over here like he told you!" I said with a laugh. Mikey practically tackled Don and I, throwing his arms around us.

"Dude, I don't know why you did it," Mikey said to Don. "But whatever it was, I don't have to know. All I gotta know is that you're here now. And you gotta promise me, Don, you won't do this again, will ya? Because if you do, then... then..."

Don saved Mikey from stumbling over his words. "Don't worry, Mikey," he said. "I have too much to live for."

I extracted myself from the tangle of turtles, and made for the door.

"And just where do you think you're going?"

I gave April a crooked grin as she stood there, one hand on her hip, with a weak smile. She looked past me at Mike and Don, and shook her head.

"I don't know how you did it," she said, watching as Mikey joked with his brother. "But I'm glad you did."

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"Leo was with him when he woke up," April explained. "Don nearly tore him to pieces. So Splinter came with soup and water, and he just refused to talk at all. Until you got here."

I frowned, now understanding the grim atmosphere that had befallen Mikey and I when we had first arrived.

"Leo's still in the livingroom," April explained. "He... he took it pretty hard. I figured since you had such skill with Donatello, maybe you could..."

I didn't wait for her to finish her sentence. Pushing past her, I walked to the livingroom.

Sure enough, there he was, reading _The Catcher in the Rye_. It was my old suicide attempt all over again.

"What'd he say?" I asked. Leo looked up from the book.

"What are you talking about?"

I decided to go for a different approach as I took a seat next to him. "So, what's Holden up to now?"

Leo looked down at the book, then up at me. "He's talking to Phoebe about wanting to save those kids from running over the cliff."

"Uh huh," I said, nodding. "I remember that. So what did Don say to you?"

Leo sighed and closed his book. "He told me I was as blind as you are."

"You can almost be," I replied with a small laugh. "Sometimes. But no one can ever be as blind as me. I'm the master at being blind."

Leo gave a forced laugh. "He said I was so involved in expecting the worst, I never appreciate what I have... And he's right. I never appreciated him, or any of you. I was just so concerned with losing you, I never took a good look at what I would be losing..."

"You can be somewhat of a worrywart..." I said, nodding. "But... we need someone like you. If you weren't around telling us to be careful all the time, watching our backs, we'd probably all be dead."

"One of us almost was," Leo pointed out. He then looked up at me, and remembered the events of yesterday. "Actually, make that two."

"Hey," I said. "My actions weren't your fault. They were just Raph, being self-centered again."

"And Don? Can you honestly say I'm not at least partially responsible for his behavior?"

"Don... didn't want to die..." I told Leo, cautiously, hoping I wasn't breaking the trust I had with my younger brother and wondering how much I could say to my older one. "He just... He couldn't stand how we never seemed to want to understand each other... how none of us ever tried to... Well, we're both so involved in pointless worries and problems, that we don't see beyond them. Don and Mikey both have tried hard to make us see the good things in life, and what do we do? I yell at Mikey, screaming about how annoying is. You patronize him and don't pay too much attention to his wild antics. And Don... All of us, we all just never listened. It was all our faults, Leo, but... But it's different now. We've all changed. Don's message seems to have finally come through. And... I guess we're all better for it. So don't blame Don for acting the way he did, he was just scared and angry. Hell, you would be too, if you went through what he did."

Leo listened to me in silence. There was a strange pause, as I waited for him to react. But when nothing happened, I continued.

"Mikey made me see that every cloud has it's silver lining. I saw where his eternal optimism comes from. I learned how all his problems dissolved with the sunrise and a brand new day. I learned about you, Leo. I saw the tip of the iceberg of all the emotions you hide from us everyday. You do it because you think you're protecting us. But we're a team, man. That's one thing Mikey and I seem to agree on that you and Don don't quite grasp. We're _here _for each other, despite our differences, and despite our own feelings. Now more than ever. So now, I'm willing to listen more than I talk. Because _that's _all we need. We gotta listen to each other. You know?"

Leo again was silent. Finally, he sighed. "I know," he said.

"Come on, now," I said, slapping him on the shell. "Get up and over to Don's room. It's like a fucking birthday party in there."

Leo smiled and took up my offer, standing up with me. We were just about to walk down the hall, when there was a crash and we turned at the sound.

There was Casey, hockey stick in hand, anxious and ashen. His right hand was wrapped in bandages and I didn't really want to know why.

"Where is he?" he demanded of Leo and I. We could only stare in silence. "I said where _is_ he?"

Casey raised his stick to destroy our TV, but I caught it before he could release its force.

"Hey," I said. "Watch it! That's the only TV we got and Don's in no mood to fix it if it breaks!"

Calming down Casey lowered his bat and nodded. "He's fine, by the way." He seemed to brighten slightly. "As fine as he'll get anyway. You can come with us to see him."

He smiled wanly. "First April disappeared, then this," he said. "I thought something screwy was going on."

"You got good instincts, man," I said with a laugh as we followed Leo down the hall to Don's room.

Donatello looked up at our entrance and gave a weak– if not somewhat confused smile.

"What are you doing here, Casey?" he asked.

"Heard about you," he said, glancing at Mikey. "Got a little worried."

"How worried?" April asked flatly, the suspicion obvious in her voice. He merely grinned at her mischievously.

"Got in a fight with your toaster," he explained. He held up his burnt hand. "It won."

"The great Casey, beaten by a toaster!" I mocked, throwing my arm around him. "I can see the headlines."

"Hey, I left some pretty good black and blues on that thing myself, man!" he said in his defense.

But April was frowning. "You owe me a new toaster," she said with a pout.

"And a new stereo, printer, microwave and curling iron, I know," he said. I looked at him curiously and he became defensive. "Hey, don't ask about the curling iron."

"I'm just surprised you even know what that is," said Mikey with a laugh.

As they mocked Casey and laughter filled the lair once more, I looked to my brother in purple, laying contentedly on his bed, no doubt enjoying the laughter as much as I was. He must have felt my eyes because he looked at me with a truly genuine grin. I returned it wholly.

Life had returned to the lair. Free of my past doubts, and Don obviously free of his, I hoped the world would keep spinning like this for a few more decades. Because this was how things were supposed to be. I had found my happy ending. I wanted nothing more than to spend time with my family and friends.

I had always known that Don's awakening would be the solution. But I didn't realize that with his awakening, a new era would dawn. The dark night had ended, just like Mikey had said it would, and the sunrise was the most phenomenal sight I had ever seen. Grinning, I prepared myself for the new day as a contented turtle.

END

Another turning point  
A fork stuck in the road  
Time grabs you by the wrist  
Directs you where to go  
So make the best of this test  
And don't ask why  
It's not a question  
But a lesson learned in time  
It's something unpredictable,  
But in the end there's right  
I hope you had the time of your life


End file.
